I hadn’t realised that Dolly Parton’s song Travelling thru was the soundtrack TransAmerica, a film about a pre-op transwoman on a road trip across America. When I realised that it was I looked up the lyrics;-
I’m out here on my journey, trying to make the most of it
I’m a puzzle, I must figure out where all my pieces fit
Like a poor wayfaring stranger that they speak about in song
I’m just a weary pilgrim trying to find what feels like home
These lines sum up so well how I felt. I have often described my life as a journey and certainly for more than thirty years it was a puzzle and I had no idea where the pieces fitted. Having finally put the pieces of the puzzle together and having transitioned I have found what feels like home. Coming home is how I have described transitioning. Whatever the ongoing pressures and strains which come with living life I am now doing it in my body into which I have now come home.
Questions I have many, answers but a few
But we’re here to learn, the spirit burns, to know the greater truth
Yes questions, questions, What is it? Why? Why me? and Answers but a few, truly there are many theories, I am not yet convinced there is a definitive answer as to the cause, there may not be a definitive answer, everyone’s make up is different. I think there is a genetic basis. I do know it is not a life choice. Learning to accept that whatever the cause, it just is. The truth of accepting who you are, your essence, irrespective of the physical shell.
We’ve all been crucified and they nailed Jesus to the tree
And when I’m born again, you’re gonna see a change in me
Being trans is in many ways a cross to bear and transitioning is being born again and there is no doubt there is a change in me.
God made me for a reason and nothing is in vain
Redemption comes in many shapes with many kinds of pain
That has always troubled me while trying to piece together the puzzle, the orthodox churches and their dogmas found transsexuals unacceptable, an abomination, the whole concept was seen as a sin. For someone brought up as a choirboy this brought feelings of pain and shame. The churches have softened their attitude in recent years. I have come to accept that nothing is in vain and this is my challenge to face and that I can only grow by facing the challenge and feeling the pain as I make my way along the journey to find redemption and to come home.
Oh sweet Jesus if you’re listening, keep me ever close to you
As I’m stumblin’, tumblin’, wonderin’, as I’m travelin’ thru
I try to see the challenge as a gift to grow personally and spiritually while travellin thru though over the years I have often failed while stumblin and tumbling…thru.