I have often wondered how people feel who have not had to deal with gender dysphoria. How it feels to be certain, not conflicted by ones gender. As I imagine most people with gender dysphoria carry it with them 24/7….it never goes away. While transitioning I was always conscious I was transitioning with all the conflict and turmoil that comes with it. Because I had this inner conflict and have had it for any decades the predominant feeling I have felt is one of a melancholy. Not depressed, rather a sadness that is always present. I have always identified with autumn, the “season of mists and mellow fruitfulness”. I have thought this was probably because I was born in November, a Scorpio. I have had an infinity with and preferred the minor keys in music. When doodling on the piano without fail I do so in minor keys.
In recent weeks I have written about acceptance and confidence in relation to transition. In that time I have realised that I have accepted who I am, a transwoman. I no longer have to think about it and do not think about it day in and day out. Yes, there is still a lot to do in improving my transition, mainly physical in terms of competing my electrolysis and having GRS once the lockdown and everything is over but these are just things to be done and completed. They are details now, still important but detail.
Losing that constant background chatter, the shame of being different…..odd…..abnormal has made way for a new feeling one that at first I didn’t recognise. I realised I felt happy. Happy with who I am…..I have to repeat that….happy with who I am. I don’t think I expected that. I probably thought I would reach a place where the conflict would be reduced, where the incessant dysphoric chatter would reduce and that would be great.
By being who I am and having the confidence to live my true self, despite prejudice and transphobia, I have gained an unexpected gift. It is still very new….there is still a measure of distrust…..surely not….me happy? I hope this newly found and recognised feeling will stay around. Fingers crossed.
Maybe this is how cis people feel? There is always plenty to worry about but hopefully for me that particularly heavy ball chained to my body has moved on and i can just worry about the usual daily tribulations.