Shame revisited

Last November I wrote a blog entry entitled shame. I wrote about how I had become ashamed of myself because I was transgender and not acceptable. How I created a false identity. Six months on I have realised a different perspective

It is absolutely true that over the years I had felt ashamed of myself. Of being me a transgender.  Recently I wrote to say that, although I have lots more to do to improve my transition, I have transitioned. I am a trans woman. Previously, I wrote that part of the journey out of the shame and towards acceptance of who you truly are is through confidence. It doesn’t come easily or overnight. By holding your head up high and being able to be yourself is crucial. It does not matter whether you pass or not in relation to this. If you are lucky enough to pass then this I imagine makes it easier. In my case, I guess I have become passable though I do not pass. 

I am clear I have transitioned. I am a transwoman and despite the limitations imposed by lockdowns and the need to be safe I am confident in knowing who I am. Over the last few weeks I have come to realise I am no longer ashamed of being trans. In itself that is good. However, there has been an unexpected side effect of that acceptance. I am not wasting so much time worrying about being trans. I am aware that the continuous dialogue that used to go on in my head, what I call gender chatter, almost at a subliminal level was linked to the shame I felt, reflecting the not being worthy.

The unexpected side effect is that by losing this gender chatter I have so much more time to be able to focus on what I want to do. I always felt I gave life everything I had, but the truth appears to be that my energy was being dissipated into the gender conflict going on internally limiting every aspect of what I could do. For a while I was rather down about how much more I could have achieved if this had not been happening. I realise there is no mileage in such thoughts and that I should celebrate where I am. I cannot change the past. I can understand where I have come up short and maybe understand more the influences that may have contributed to or caused failings. That is all.

There are things I need to do to improve my transition. I still have to deal with the ever growing transphobia in this country. I still am fearful about how I will be treated by other people and it takes resilience and effort to face situations but it is liberating to free from the shame of being transgender, to have increased energy to face and live life. I can only hope that continues.

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