Secret Saboteur

I have been continuing with the voice therapy. It has been really revealing in ways which I could not have possible expected. I have been trying to sort feminise my voice frankly for years with in truth very little result. I have been able to put on a feminine voice (or at best an approximation of a feminine voice) but have not been able to maintain it. Apart from that, the voice always sounds put on and silly. Clearly it is not my natural voice.

I mentioned in my last post the object of the course I am doing at present is to find and establish my authentic female voice. I have in the past had no difficulty in finding a pitch that “voice apps” say is feminine. However, it sounds false and definitely not authentic, nor am I able to maintain it past a few sentences.

The stunning revelation to me is how the brain interferes with the process of making changes. It has been explained to me that the brain hears your attempts at change and put simply says that is not your voice and rejects it.  The brain adopts a sort of “no I am not having that” or  “computer says no” approach. It is not simply a question of finding the right pitch etc, which I thought it was, it is also about training the brain to get back in its box and accept the new normal.

The exercises I am doing are designed with that in mind and I am astonished at how effective they are. I am beginning to produce  a feminine voice which sounds authentic to which the brain is not saying “no way”. Surprisingly, it is at a significantly lower pitch than  that I had been trying to achieve.

What has been more revealing to me is how the brain cancels other changes which you wish to take place. I have looked at how it seems to have interfered with the very idea of transitioning. I have known for decades that I am transgender and have taken steps over time towards transitioning, moving slowly forward. My heart and soul have always known and have always had a goal to live my truth. Yes there have been a lot of “sensible” reasons for delaying as time went on, yet is has really struck me that what has been happening is that my brain, as with my voice, has been unconsciously protecting me from the change. It was not until sometime after I had fully transitioned that there was a day when a switch changed and I realised I had transitioned. I was no longer transitioning. There is a lot more to do, for example my voice, but it is as if my brain had said on that day “okay have it your own way” and had stopped the “no I am not having that” approach.

There is another area of my private life where the same has happened. As with my wanting to transition, my whole being wanted and still wants to follow this particular route. So far as I knew, or was aware, I was doing so and making progress even if I did concede I was a slow learner. Quite suddenly, out of the blue, I have experienced the same awareness in this field. Again the brain seems to have said “okay get on with it”. I was completely unaware of how my brain was resisting the change. I am totally frustrated by this secret weapon of destruction which seems to reside in my brain and am really cross with myself for not being aware of it before.

The result of the voice therapy is that it is giving me so much more than an authentic voice. By dealing with the resistance over the voice changes it has given me an understanding of the secret saboteur that has been working in my brain to prevent change. It feels transformational.