Confidence

Our Prime Minister is facing a vote of no confidence as I write this. Confidence in his abilities is something that our Prime Minister appears never to have lacked. 

It occurred to me how confidence has been so important in my transition making it easier and less painful when ones confidence grows. When I first transitioned I knew I was a long way from passing, I was really self-conscious and found terrifying to venture out anywhere unless it was a safe space and preferably with people around me. I always remember the first time I went to meet someone solo for an evening meal. By the time I had psyched myself up I was probably over confident just to get me through the door. In fact it turned out to be safe space and a pleasant evening. At that time, I always wore a wig which caused anxiety at the horrifying prospect of accidently losing it.

By the time I had transitioned full time, my hair had grown enough that I felt able to go out without the wig. I now realise looking back at pics that truthfully it did not look very feminine. I had persuaded myself it did and was therefore no longer anxious on that point. It did its job and gave me confidence at the time To start with venturing out was scary, always looking for situations where one might be in trouble. 

One of the first things I needed to do was change my bank details and had gone into my local branch where everything was done without any problem whatsoever, as if it was the most natural thing in the world. I had thought that the procedure would be really rare. Well that went out of the window soon enough as I was collecting the paperwork together which I had produced another lady came up to the desk and started to do the exact same process. Changing all of my paperwork has been as straightforward.

These incidents really helped. Slowly my anxiety about being “clocked” diminished as my confidence grew, I became less anxious. There was also a degree of being impervious to being clocked my head would say “yes so what? I am a trans woman”. I did not need to pass 100% it was an unrealistic goal. All I needed to be was me, to blend in so as not to be an obvious target, that was enough. Of course, I enjoy my femininity and I hope it will continue to develop. However being confident in oneself has made such a difference to how I am able to cope and come to terms with my transition. 

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