Unexpected

I have spent much of the last two days sorting out my laptop which had become barely fit for purpose. One of the tasks which was sorted at the same time was managing to remove any trace of my deadname from it. It had been purchased before my transition and everything to do with the set up and operating systems was in my deadname. This meant that every time I turned it on I was faced with my deadname, something which I thought I had blanked, that it did not affect me.

I realise that was not so, just turning it on this morning for work there was a real sense of relief not to be faced with it. A constant reminder of my transition. I do not think there is anything else relevant to my daily life that is not now in my name. So in terms of documentation, my passport, driving licence have been changed for some time, I have a Gender Recognition Certificate, my birth certificate is on its way. The only documents from my previous existence still in my deadname are my degree and education certificates which frankly have no relevance at my age. 

The lady who was helping me with sorting the issues with the laptop asked me if I had had any trouble by transitioning. My immediate response, in my head, was yes. After a moments reflection I gave a more accurate answer. Not really, if you keep yourself in a bubble for one’s daily life no I haven’t. Going about on a daily basis I have not had any real difficulties or aggression, certainly I suspect no more than women in general do. Yes I am much more careful than I would have been pre transition in where I walk, avoiding being too close to a group of likely lads or for that matter in a world of equality likely lasses which in a strange way cause me more anxiety. I have found I am accepted most of the time. I was relieved my response was positive as she told me her goddaughter had recently come out as trans and her parents were totally opposed to it. Her goddaughter is lucky to have her.

I explained that the area which had actually caused me the most difficulty was getting supportive healthcare. As I had moved area several times in the last few years I had received a varied experience with GP practices. So far I have experienced outright hostility, followed by one who was very supportive and prescribed the medication from my private prescription on the NHS, the next was not hostile but was at best disinterested and would not do any blood tests on the NHS to monitor my hormone levels followed by my present practice which is again very supportive and is prepared to enter into a shared care agreement with my private consultant endocrinologist, something none of my previous practices were willing to do. What was the worst part of trans healthcare is that it is virtually impossible to get any support in a timely fashion. I persuaded one of my GP practices, the disinterested one, to refer me to the GIC clinic as it meant she would not have to deal with the “problem”. Four years later I am still waiting for my first appointment letter and after receiving it I can expect to wait a further two years to be seen.

Where my trouble, or perhaps better put, my main anxiety comes is from those outside my daily life, in the media of all kinds where it is quite evident that trans people are under attack. This effects me by making me have heightened expectations of abuse, which expectations have not been born out in my experience so far, which I hope will continue! 

Strange how on finding assistance through a local Facebook group recommendation for IT support led to a discussion of trans matters, the discussion coming about simply because she helped me lose any trace of my deadname from my laptop.