Emotions

Mixed emotions, I suppose they are a positive though sometimes I wonder. I tell my children they are are a really positive thing, how life would be without colour, bland without emotions. I do actually believe that is so.

Today I have had mixed emotions. I have been facing a potentially catastrophic financial crisis because the local “mafia” has been blocking a small development I have been working on for nearly six years to the point that the company financing the development for me has reached the end of their tether and want to repossess the site and sue me for a some of money I do not have. I hd become resigned to the fact that the monthly interest I was being charged was not sustainable and in all probability I would end up going bankrupt. I have been trying for the last few weeks to negotiate an exit route which would prevent my bankruptcy and which the lenders could live with. It was not going well!

Today the local “mafia” make me an offer which is not what the land is worth but is good enough to be able to sort out my lender. I will still be significantly short but the shortfall is manageable. He has blocked progress for two years and caused unquantifiable grief let alone very, very significant financial loss. How have I reacted emotionally? Relief, there is a way out of this. I have accepted, subject to contract, lets get this done. There is the other side to the coin, total anger that he has managed to get what he wants at significant cost to me. It is a long time since I felt such anger.

Emotions are the colour of life. Almost a year ago my close friends eloped to Scotland and married at Fairy Glen. I had no idea, despite being close, and when they called me, I was babysitting their dog while they were on “holiday”, I was so happy I cried and cried every time I thought about it I cried I was so happy for them.

I tell my children that not feeling is a living death, bland a grey existence I saw friends I grew up with going through life as if they were automatons. I have spent periods of my life existing, everything shut down, unable to feel. I have been reminded today that emotions give colour to my existence.