Just the same

One thing that has become clear to me very recently, well yesterday actually, while talking to the couple I share a house with is that transitioning may indeed sort the gender dysphoria, even though it causes its own trials tribulations and traumas on the way through, but it what it doesn’t do is remove the default character traits you have before transition.

I suppose that is not surprising as I always say to people I am not changing, you get the same me, I am only presenting differently. I still laugh at the same things, I enjoy the same music, I eat the same food…it’s just that I dress differently and don’t have to hide behind that male façade which everyone knows.

So as it was pointed out to me I still have the same character traits and that I am able to delude myself through an attachment to my ego which believes I can make things happen when patently I am being “played” in relation to a contract I have been trying  to conclude for weeks now. I have not taken personal responsibility for matters that have caused delays blaming the actions or inactions of others. I should have taken personal responsibility and held myself accountable for what was going on. If I had I would have been able to be proactive.

It was also pointed out to me that I have allowed this desire not to lose face, again an attachment to my ego, has been a hindrance to my transition. I should point out that this was all said with my wellbeing as the main factor, not to attack or beat me up. It was holding up a mirror to my behaviour to help me grow. I value that. I value I have friends who care enough they want me to grow and not be trapped in a default system of operating that limits my potential and causes me stress. 

I recognise, it resonates with me that I act as described. I wonder whether this has roots in my gender dysphoria. I had developed a way of operating which meant I tend to smooth things over so nobody would know get beyond my carefully constructed veneer.

So the moral of the tale is that gender dysphoria is sorted by transitioning, the “gender chatter” is stilled, leaving so much more energy to grow as a person and deal with limitations which were always present and need sorting.