Music

I have been wondering about the effects of being more centred again in myself. It seems to me that as I grew through my teen years and into adulthood my life became distorted by my gender dysphoria. It took most of my energy.

I made sure I had no time to dwell on anything. As a child prior to my teens I had been immersed in music, singing in a choir at the Cathedral where I went to school, learning to play the violin and piano….it was my life. It fed my soul and gave me spiritual sustenance. I listened to music at all hours. Music had no gender. 

When puberty hit, I also moved away from the cathedral school to a school where music was of minor significance. Previously gender had not been important. I knew there was something wrong and I was really supposed to be a girl. The difference was with puberty my feelings of being in a mis-match became so much stronger. Nothing began to fit and my energy was dissipated by trying to sort out the dilemma of my developing hormones. Somehow my interests dwindled, yes I continued with my music while I was still at school though it was not all consuming as it had been.

By the time I was a young adult my confusion had taken over my life. I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I knew I was different and that knowledge consumed me. It was taking my energy 24/7 worrying, seeking explanations, training as a therapist to try and find answers. Rarely did I find the time to listen to music anymore and certainly not to play. I owned a piano. All that I would do would be “doodle” about on it, then dismiss it and engage in the serious matter of “what’s it all about”. I coupled that with working hard. With hindsight I realise I used work as another distraction not to deal with my difference.

What is the relevance? I have fully transitioned now. It has been a slow process and I didn’t just switch a switch and make the changes. I have been on HRT for over a year. This does not make instant changes either. However, slowly but surely the gender dysphoria slips away and I have grown comfortable in myself, I have come home. My energy is no longer dissipated in combating the dysphoria. I find myself listening and enjoying music again as it nourishes me.

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