Facing up

Basically this blog relates to things that crop up in my life that are related to my being transgender and my transition.

I have  had a week which has been overwhelmingly about work and the fact that the company I have been involved with is going to close and there is going to be a restructure in which I may or may not be involved. So this has little to do with trans matters. The fact that the company is closing has financial implications for me with the potential loss of an amount of money I cannot afford to lose. It is borrowed money that I will have to repay in any event.

Strangely there was a trans issue that came up obliquely. When contemplating how I was going to manage these problems, as is often the case one option is to run away and not face them at all, end it all (not seriously just an expression) then it struck me how that could never now be an option anymore, everyone would it was because I am transgender and not able to cope. Whereas, in fact it is the best thing that has happened in my life to be able to be my true self.

I have been very fortunate in my transition. Many years back I would admit to thoughts of suicide. It did cross my mind fairly frequently for a while and for some months such thoughts were often present. What the Trans quotes Stonewall’s research that almost 50% of transgender people have made attempted suicide at one time. 

Why did I have those thoughts? Really I am not sure if there was one particular reason. The idea of transitioning just seemed so hard. It seemed impossible that I could earn a living and get a roof over my head, fear of being cut off from everyone and being an outcast, shame fr being weird, “not normal”, then later concern about causing grief and hurt to those I loved, my family…..thinking they would be better off without me. I was fortunate that something inside me kept pushing me on and despite all those fears and reasons started to transition. 

It has been amazing, there have been and are many challenges to face and overcome. I can do that now from a position of strength and certainty about who I am. The days of fear and running are gone and any problems challenges in life trans or not trans need to be faced.