Bad habits are so hard to break. For the majority of my life I have hidden the true me and cultivated a false persona which to my mind made me more acceptable that the shameful unacceptable fact I knew about myself. That seems quite simple, straightforward even. However living a lie, in my case, made it easier to dissemble in all manner of ways.
I have been living the true me for some years now. In my business dealings, the real me has inherited situations that were in existence prior to my transition and which if I am honest had involved some manipulation to put together a jigsaw of interconnecting deals. The main one had not gone according to plan and after many delays there was now a real risk that it would fall apart causing substantial losses.
There is a possible rescue plan that potentially would save the day. To make it work the principal of the plan had assumed I would leave profits from a different scheme in place for it to work. The truth was I could not afford to do it. I have other obligations and requirements to meet with those funds.
This is where the bad habits came in. I knew I had to have those funds, yet if I did not leave them in the rescue package might not happen. I wanted to be honest and straight about saying I could not leave those funds in, yet habits from my old self were raising their head “ you can’t blow it” etc, etc.
Fortunately, I have a brilliant mentor of my new true self who made it quite clear what I should do and that living my truth covered all areas. I emailed the principle making it clear that I was not able to leave those funds in to assist the rescue plan. The world didn’t end, I had simply stated the truthful position. Anything that does happen will be based on solid facts and not end in my having to say in six months’ time, oh I can’t do that now. Nor do I have to worry that there will be a problem coming over the horizon.
So there has been a meeting today based on the reality of my position. Every bodies cards have been put on the table and whatever comes from it will be whatever it is. For me I have been truthful and have learnt again that living your truth is more than just being honest about my gender. I am so grateful to my mentor for holding me to that.