Choices

 A New Year. I do not believe in Resolutions since once they are broken, and that in my case is usually only a few weeks at best, they do not get put back in place. I prefer to use the New Year as a time to take stock and set some aims for the coming year. Goals to achieve which can be worked towards and are constant. Hopefully, you get there. If not at least you will be on the path.

This year on New Year’s Eve I had set myself a goal in relation to how I behaved in a relationship and to build on that as it is the core relationship in my life, my raison d’etre. I am glad I had not made this a resolution as on New Year’s Day I stumbled big time and in all honesty put the whole relationship at risk. Quite rightly, in simple terms it became a question of sort yourself out and accept how it is, step up to the mark or step out. It was made clear the choice was mine.

Wow, dig deep and reflect on what you really want, deeply think on it. I had known when waking the next day I had behaved inappropriately. The demon drink had played a part which is absolutely no excuse. What should have been a celebration of the New Year with some bubbles turned into a debacle. In a strange way the situation has been a blessing for me, though not for the other parties involved who definitely did not need or deserve it, as it has indeed made me look at my behaviour, try and discover what prompted it and what do I really want.

I have never been happier than I am in this relationship. We had all spent a wonderful Christmas together, there was no question in my mind that we were heading to something special. Then this. When setting out what I had to do and think about, it was also clear that provided I sorted myself out and stepped up to the mark it would be okay, they still wanted it to work out. It was then that from nowhere out of the blue came “but I am unlovable”. Somewhere deep inside me the years of denying my true self, of abuse and subsequent self-abuse were still lurking. I was so surprised. Is this why I self-destruct when something good happens? 

No more. I have choices. I choose to love myself so I can be loved, I choose to step up to the mark and treat those who are dear to me beyond measure with love and respect as they deserve. I cannot change the past, but I do still have a goal and I choose to live up to it.