I have been having to learn a salutary lesson this week. It is one of my failing and have often said that on my gravestone there should be engraved “the road to hell is paved with good intentions”. In truth this would not really be accurate as that is only my interpretation.
One of the changes that is apparent from transitioning is the loss of the male privilege I enjoyed previously, even if I do not understand or even acknowledge I had such a privilege. As a lawyer I was well used to do dealing with problems, coming up with solutions, moving parts of a jigsaw about to come up with a workable outcome.
Having transitioned it becomes apparent that this is no longer an expectation. I thought I had accepted that if not gracefully at least with an acceptance of that is the way it is.
Recently, I have been trying to assist a female friend achieve something fairly complex. In my way I came up with a plan for achieving it and the plan was put in place. As time went on my friend changed the way in which she wanted to achieve the result. Though surprised, I accepted that she had changed how she wanted to do this and the new plan was adopted.
Although I thought I had accepted it, in fact it transpires that underneath a resentment was bubbling away. I realise now it was my ego that wanted to achieve this for my friend and that I wanted it to be done my way. Effectively, I was imposing what I thought was the way to achieve the result without consideration of what my friend wanted.
I feel rather ashamed of my actions, lack of consideration, feeling rather conscious that this was both arrogant and ego driven, however subconscious or well-intended, a throwback to operating with male privilege. There is so much to learn about yourself when you transition, almost all of it in terms has been with the huge support of my friend which makes this whole incident so mortifying.