Waiting

I have two projects which have been ongoing for years, both for over six years. One of which has become a complete millstone, the other has had, indeed still has difficulties, both of which I hope will conclude one way or another within the next two to three months. 

The millstone has been put out to tender to see if it can be moved on. The tender date was in my diary and etched into my brain as being scheduled for today. Having texted this morning to see at what time the tenders were due to be received I had a reply saying the date was Wednesday at 12.00. An extra two days, that doesn’t seem any big deal. Yet right now it feels like a big deal.

I had been waiting for the day to come all last week. The outcome will have a significant effect on what comes next for me. It might go at a breakeven, a loss or potentially a small profit. The whole project has been fraught, bedevilled by waiting. I have had to cajole various parties to actually do what has been agreed. In one particular instance, an integral part of the project, a part necessary for the project to work at all was agreed in principle over six years ago, shortly before I became involved. Since then the price has doubled before being finally agreed two years ago, subject to contract, and the legal work to put it in place has taken the rest of the time. It is promised it will be finalised this week. 

The other project is underway and will be completed before too long, yet again I am waiting. The site needs to be connected to the grid for electricity. The paper work is done yet the supplier cannot give any date for connection. Again it is waiting, cajoling, progress is being made but no resolution reached.

During these six years I have transitioned, “gone full time”. I realise that for the whole of my life I had been waiting for the right time, for everything to be in the right place. Waiting was the story of my life. My friends labelled it procrastination, which was accurate particularly when it came to my transition. I have changed as I grew into myself. I feel these projects hold me back with the inertia that has surrounded them in the past. I have been doing all I can to push them along particularly in the last two years. It hasn’t been easy with everyone and their dog being able to blame the pandemic as a good reason why decisions cannot be made.

I have become impatient, I want to be able to get on, to take back control and live my life. I am about to embark on a new phase of my life. It is the same with transitioning. I was referred to the GIC by my GP four years ago and yet I have not yet even had an acknowledgment, nothing I don’t think they even know I exist. The waiting lists become ever longer. I am supposed to wait indefinitely for healthcare that impacts significantly on my mental health. I took control starting self-medication to set out on the path to feel I was doing something. I have since moved to private healthcare as I was unable to wait any longer for a first appointment to confirm I am trans, for permission from the gatekeepers. Not surprisingly the gatekeepers I was waiting to see on the NHS are the same consultants I see privately! My consultants confirmed without any doubt I am trans, have prescribed appropriate medication, monitor it and have given the necessary referral for GRS. I had hope that being referred four years ago by the time GRS was a realistic possibility this might have been an option with the NHS.

Both of these projects I have mentioned started sometime pre-transition. It is conceivable, if not likely, my previous pattern of procrastination, waiting had impacted on the timescales. No more, I am done waiting and an extra two days feels a long time. I have too much living to do to be endlessly waiting.