There have been discussions this week about one of my projects at work. It is nearing completion and with the current uncertainty in the country with both inflation and the rise in prices for materials it was made clear to me that I should be absolutely clear about the financial position of the project. I have for some decades effectively worked on my own. I realise this does, or has in the past, allowed me to adopt a relaxed approach to what I do tending to deal with everything with a broad brush. One way of describing my approach would be as long as there is a margin then it will all work out; some better than others!
With hindsight it has not worked out well. I have to take responsibility for schemes not coming together or being profitable as a result of that approach. I would say unexpected difficulties or unforeseen circumstances arise which cause them not turn out as they should have done. That doesn’t take into account that the preparation was not thorough enough. If it had been then some of the circumstances would in all probability not have been unforeseen.
This must not happen with the current project which needs to be taken to the finishing line effectively and profitably. As a result of these discussions I have been nailing down the figures to make sure there is sufficient funding available to complete the project and for it not to come to a grinding halt. This is a small building development and I work with a local builder. Prices are rising and costs are being described as “provisional”. For example one material we need was £11 a metre in March and is now £26 a metre. Fortunately, in the short term the sale prices are rising too so my initial approach may turn out in this case not to be a liability. At the same time with inflation rising as it is, the strong sale prices may well suffer so the project would become squeezed from both ends.
What does this have to do with being trans and growing into my authentic self. All of the projects which are current, started before I transitioned, before I started to learn about trying to do things properly. Of course I do not mean I deliberately didn’t try to make things work. What I do realise with hindsight is that what has happened comes from my approach which was always “that will do”, it was to do with how things appeared, doing just enough for something to seem okay was enough. I took on too much to please other people, fingers in too many pies, so the attention given to each project was not sufficient to do anything more than just enough.
I have written about my friends and mentors who have really helped me on my way to finding my authentic self. I am a different person from the one that set out on these projects and I am intent on completing them properly. The result is that I have been putting the effort in as I have grown and on this project I know I must deal in the detail do away with the broad brush approach. I need to do myself justice, good enough is no longer acceptable. There is unravelling to be done as a result of my previous approach, but I have been getting to grips with the detail. I am giving it my best shot. Concluding these may be the last ones I am involved in. If not then I am only interested in trying to do my best, to do justice to my authentic self on anything new I may undertake. Yet again my friends have shone a light on things I needed to see at the right time.