At last the Government has published its long awaited announcement in relation to the reform of the Gender Recognition Act. Despite the considerable hype and speculation as to what was going to happen the changes are minor.

The most important for me is that the rights already in place in The Equality Act 2010 which protects transgender people remains in place and unchanged. There had been enormous speculation that this was to be amended to create “safe spaces” for cis women. Fortunately the government saw sense on this pointing out that where it considered appropriate the ability to create a safe space for cis women is already enshrined in that Act.

So what else do the proposals do. It acknowledges the appalling waiting time to be seen by a Gender Identity Clinic, usually over two years instead of eighteen weeks, and is going to create at least three more Gender Identity Clinics this year. I assume that means in the next twelve months. With regard to obtaining a Gender Recognition Certificate it proposes to make this cheaper reducing the fee to a nominal amount instead of the current £140 and to make it possible to make the application online. Both of those are to be welcomed. 

It had been hoped that the question of transgender people would be allowed the same rights as transgendered people have in the Republic of Ireland to self ID with regard to how they identify their gender. This has been operating there since 2015 without any problems. 

However, this has not been addressed and to obtain a Gender Recognition Certificate you will still have to a medical diagnosis, a medical report setting out the treatment you have had, evidence of living in your new gender for two years, agreement of your spouse (if you have one) and to make a statutory declaration that you intend to remain in your new gender for the rest of your life. 

Bearing in mind it is possible to change your passport and driving licence to reflect your new Gender without a Gender Recognition Certificate this seems to be inconsistent. I am in the process of applying for a Gender Recognition Certificate, though I will likely wait for the reduced fee to come in! I am already changing my passport and driving licence. Why do I want one? I think it is a question of putting everything in order, a validation of this is who I am. It will also reduce the possibility of having to explain and disclose my personal history when having to produce my birth certificate. Now I have transitioned I do not want to have to keep on explaining about my transition.

As to self-identifying, I am ambivalent as to whether this should go so far as obtaining a Gender Recognition Certificate. Of course the first step is that you self-diagnose, self-identify that you are transgender. I certainly did. For me the next step was to take hormones to help my dysphoria and assist me keeping my sanity. I did this by self-medicating herbal hormones before finally taking the leap into obtaining a professional psychiatric diagnosis and subsequent medical treatment with HRT. I was fortunate to be able to pay for this privately, as it has been acknowledged the waiting lists of two years or more for a first appointment are unacceptably too long. I am sure this a strong reason why there is the pressure to do away with the need for a diagnosis.

Obtaining a professional diagnosis gave me a reassurance that this was not all in my mind and that I was not deluding myself however certain I was that I was transgender. I tend to think this is an important step in taking such a big decision. 

The enormous waiting times to attend a Gender Identity Clinic causes transgender people a significant amount of distress and depression. If it was possible to access medical diagnosis promptly then the requirement to at least have a diagnosis would seem to be not unreasonable. As to the other requirements of producing your medical history of treatment, two years living in your new gender and your spouse’s agreement do seem to me to be unnecessary. Swearing a statutory declaration that you intend to remain in your new gender also does not seem unreasonable to me.

The Equalities Minister needs to continue to look at the needs of transgender people to live their lives safely and with dignity, and to review the self- identity issue fully. However, I am pleased that she held firm against the attempts to weaken the Equality Act 2010 from the demands of the transphobic activists who were calling for it to be weakened.

Something new happened this week which I had not experienced first hand before. I was on the receiving end of harassment at work. One of my colleagues, a Director of the company to which I am a Consultant, who describes himself as being Mediterranean and a passionate man. He has been very “generous” in his time and in buying small gifts, despite being told “no please stop it”. I have tried consistently to refuse this attention.

For instance he would bring me in of sandwiches, then say “eat it now while it is fresh”…no I don’t think so I will eat when I want to etc. At first it was really good to feel accepted as a transwoman and I made excuses that he was just trying to make me comfortable and accepted. After a while I began to feel as if I was his project as he kept telling me that he didn’t like my nail colour, he could style my hair better (he used to be a hairdresser apparently). This became tedious and really irritating and I came to see it as controlling. I do not want this. His reply has been “but it makes me happy”.

I had been self-isolating for five months being really protected by my housemates to minimise the risk of my catching the dreaded virus. I was relying on strict protocols to go back to work…self – isolating, masks, social distancing etc. As soon as this person came into the office he walked straight up and cuddled me. I told him to stop and that we had to social distance to which he replied “I don’t care about all that bullshit…I am a Mediterranean and a passionate man” was the bullshit I received!

It all came to a head this week when I was talking to another member of staff and he came up behind me, hugged me and planted a kiss on my cheek. My immediate response was to say F*ck off. To say it was physically gross is an understatement; quite apart from the violation of my personal space, any thought about me and my boundaries. All of that is outside from the whole issue of social distancing and safety in relation to the coronavirus. It was all about him, totally, completely about him and his right to do what he wanted.

This was the first time I had ever experienced the male assumption that they could touch me, or kiss me if they felt they wanted to. That it was okay for him to behave like that. He seemed to have no idea that this might not be acceptable, that I might have any feelings or say in the matter. On occasion, he has given another female member of staff a hug, which she does not want either. 

He now knows it is unacceptable. He was phoned by a family member and told in no uncertain terms that he is not to go near me, invade my space cross boundaries or there will be consequences in that he will be reported to the police for harassment. I told the Managing Director if it happened again thy would not see me in the building again. All of the office supported my stand.

I think it has been resolved. However, I am quite shocked at this person’s attitude and his sense of entitlement.  A lesson learned.

I have been emptying a storage container which I have not accessed for about ten years. In it there was furniture, books photographs, family records and included boxes filled with stuff from clearing my parents’ house shortly before my items went into storage too.

There were photographs from my wedding and literally hundreds of photographs from my previous life. The one where i was persuading everybody I was a nice guy, whereas deep down well and truly buried I knew that I was only putting on a front. I had this terrible secret and looking back in hindsight I was very conscious of making sure that everything I did was as it should be, conventional. I pursued the traditional path presenting an image of a young professional. I was always “nice” not losing my temper or letting anything occur which might suggest I was anything but a decent young man. I went out  of my way to be helpful.

I dressed secretly, I wore lingerie under my suit and used to “cottage” not for sexual encounters but to display the fact I was feminine and dressed in this sexy underwear wanting people to admire me, to acknowledge I was female. I sought out the company of sex workers and worked as a companion escort in a Gentleman’s club ( no sexual favours ) just flirtatious conversation and selling overpriced champagne. It never occurred to me that this was might be considered strange behaviour.

It is so different now. I have transitioned fully, taking 18 months to become comfortable with myself. I have started working in an office and am accepted for who I am. One of the girls asked me recently do you have any pics of you before transition? On seeing a photo that frankly was after I had started to feminise slightly, her exclamation was simply “that is so wrong, that’s not you”. What has happened since transition and my acceptance of myself is that I do not need the props anymore. I do not need the macho car, I like a nice car for what it is but not for what it says about me or more correctly about my status/gender.

The most significant change is that I don’t have to pretend about anything. There may be an ongoing argument about safe spaces for women and yes I find that difficult. It doesn’t matter because I am a transwoman and that is the end of it. I am no longer pretending. I no longer need possessions to build an image. Not everyone will accept me, some will dislike me for what I stand for, without even knowing me. The important thing is I accept me and can now do my best to lead a genuine honest life.

I have been in my new home for a week and I am pleasantly surprised that everything appears to be going smoothly. No bricks through the window a courteous nod here and there and life goes on. My paranoia appears to be unfounded. Knowing me, I will wait a few more weeks to see what happens.

I am totally out at work (well everywhere actually) and today was the first time I have had to lay down the rules at work about a few things that they were doing wrong and harming the company. I was expecting a few comments about not listening to me etc. In fact I was able to clear the air and get some respect. Interestingly the rest of the admin staff were surprised at how I dealt with it.  No wonder the company is just drifting. It is really refreshing to be accepted for who I am and the role I do without my gender being of any significance.

Yesterday was the 21^st birthday of my son. Hr has been living with my eldest daughter for a couple of years, for logistical reasons not because there is any difficulty between us. We met for lunch with other members of the family. It was the first time we have all met since lockdown and isolation. It was also the first time we have all met since I have had my hair coloured and styled. When I had my hair done I also had my nails done. Nine months ago I would have been concerned about whether that would have been okay and in all likelihood wold have removed the nail polish before meeting. As it was it was a complete non event my hair and nails not being mentioned at all. Just a good family lunch celebrating my son’s birthday. As it should be, my transition was of no significance.

I have been surprised at how freeing having my hair coloured and styled has been. It has boosted my confidence hugely in how I accept myself.

It is these small but significant steps that allow me to realise how my transition is progressing. This is the time now just to keep going and allow me to be myself, accept myself and stop worrying about being transgender, I am just me.

I have been here for six days and the new house is nearly sorted, boxes unpacked. Generally I am blown away by how good the house is for my needs. I imagine you would think that I should have known that earlier, only I had not been able to see inside of the house before moving in. However, I had not seen the house before taking it so it has been a pleasant surprise. 

I was concerned about how I would fit in and whether or not I would experience any hostility. Early days yet but the signs are positive, or at least not negative. The area is generally quiet and suburban and my immediate neighbour with whom I share a driveway appears completely neutral. In my book, I take that as a positive. So far there has just been an acknowledgment as we pass each other. The other half of the semi attached to my house is empty at the moment. Their front door though is round the side of the house so I am not so likely to bump into them. So fingers crossed it is going to be good.

This is a new chapter as it means I have come to the end of five months of isolation and am venturing into the outside world again. I am a consultant to a company and  I have been assisting them remotely for the past five months using Zoom and mobile phone calls. For the first time I was at the premises in person this week and I was shocked at how lax the staff were over the Covid virus. I had already decided to stick to stringent procedures in an effort to stay safe yet I was made to feel uncomfortable over the steps I was taking. The most blatant  breach of my protocols was when a colleague just simply came up behind me and gave me a hug! Despite my protest at his action the response was “oh that’s all bullshit”, not that that it is against all of the guidelines and social distancing etiquette, if not actually illegal.

Having drawn my red line and sticking to it, it is becoming easier to manage. What I do not understand is why people do not seem to see that the infection rate is steadily rising and the risk is not going away. I am constantly being told when I refer to statistics that they are wrong, we are not being told the truth (that may be true the real situation is probably worse than we are being told) and not to take any notice. It feels as if the majority of people are in denial.

So now I am back in the outside world I need to press ahead with improving my ability to pass and be accepted generally. I am having my hair styled and coloured this week. However, I have really struggled with achieving a feminine voice and maintaining it for the duration of a conversation. I have come across an App called Voice Up created by Christella Antonini, the main voice coach at The Gender Identity Clinic. There is a free version which allows you to analyse and track the progress of your voice and also other sections which for a total of £59.99 gives you actual tips on how to improve your pitch resonance, intonation and vowel length. Although I have been practising for months, I have not really  been able to assess how my voice comes across and have tended to focus on the negative as I am frequently addressed as Sir while on the phone. 

When I started using the App two days ago I had been pleasantly surprised that on the reading I was 48% in the feminine range. A higher percentage than I would have guessed with 25% neutral and 27% in the masculine range. Now after only two days I have achieved one reading when there was no section of the recording in the masculine range it being 100% feminine. I did not feel particularly  comfortable with the pitch of that reading though what it has done is clarify the range I need to aim for. This has been really helpful in that you get feedback as to the progress you are making. I am now going to move on and pay for the upgrade to get the further hints and exercises to capitalise on this beginning. For the first time in over a year I feels as if it is going to be possible to achieve an acceptable feminine voice.

Tomorrow I am moving, the furniture has already gone I have a mattress for tonight and then I move to my new home. The shelter and protection I have enjoyed, and unwittingly taken for granted, will no longer be there. The coming home to friendly faces will no longer be the norm.

I have had to process this over a few weeks and I was at first anxious. It was only then that  I began to realise how important the level of support was that I have been receiving. It is the feeling of coming home to a place you can just relax and know that the people you are sharing space with are not going to be hostile, that they accept you. There is no value that can be placed on that gift, it is truly priceless.

Of course there are ups and downs in any situation where people live closely together and share spaces. I know that from my previous relationships and this has been no different. However, it is the basic truth that these people accept you, you are not a freak and treat you as just another human being. That means that quite simply I have been able to relax when at home and not worry. My house mates have become my family and I love them dearly.

Having that level of support has enabled me to go out and about with confidence, my head held high and not hiding. Of course, I am watchful and as I have said before try not to place myself in situations that might make possible abuse or violence more likely. Then that is no different from the majority of cis women.

How do I feel about the new beginning? Positive really. More positive than negative. I guess the key will be do I feel safe in my new home. I picked the location carefully, so it will be a waiting game to see if the neighbours accept me, are hostile or just ignore me. As long as there is no hostility it will be fine. I am aware that until I have settled in I must make sure I look my best and pass as well as I can to increase the chance of acceptance. If it works well then I will feel safe to come home to my new house and live a normal life, fully transitioned. Fingers crossed.

What I do know is that I would not have been able to transition without the unswerving support of my house mates, “my family”. I have been very lucky. So tomorrow I lay my head down to sleep in my new home, on the next stage of this journey looking forward to facing new challenges.

I am moving. So i have been sorting everything out determined that for once stuff I have lugged from once place to another and from one storage unit to another storage doesn’t happen again. I have been house sharing so my private space has been comfy yet limited. It meant some of my stuff was in the shared part of the house. I am moving to  space that is only a little larger than my current space so there is no need for lots of stuff to fill it. In fact I want it to be uncluttered.

I started to think about why I had so much stuff. There have been several times in my life when I have storage units full and untouched for years without ever going near them. So clearly I do not need what’s inside them! Both my parents have died and their home was emptied by me. Having been through the war and a long period of hardship afterwards they never through anything away… ”it might come in useful sometime”. My father in turn had emptied his parents’ house and adopted the same principle. The result was I had attached some sentimental value to items that had been around for my entire life and gave a kind of stability. That was in Grandpa’s house, then my father’s and now in mine.

In my case, living a lie meant I was never at ease with myself and I realise now I wanted “things” round me to be as they should be, as they always have been. It would make everything alright somehow. Of course it doesn’t, but you don’t know that at the time. I transitioned full time quite a while back now, yet in the back of the wardrobe was one of my old suits and a black tie (in case I needed to attend a funeral). As the saying goes ffs! Not anymore all gone.

I have found living as myself means I need far less props. I am content in myself so there is no longer that need. Yes, I have anxieties however this time they are not about who I am. I was talking to my youngest son who has been working through relationship difficulties and looking at himself following the breakup of a serious relationship in which he had not treated her particularly well. He said he didn’t need a girlfriend right now, and that he had realised his relationship revolved round his girl being a “trophy”, Because he was with her he could hold his head up high since she was a looker and they looked good together.  Now that he is so much more content he doesn’t need to be validated in that way anymore. It applies to me now I have grown, am  growing, into the real me I don’t need all these things to make me feel validated. I am me, I can let go of the past now and live  with what I need now without having to present in any other way. 

In the conversation with my son he said that he didn’t have any problem with my transition. What he finds difficult is why would anyone want to wear clothes of the opposite gender? I agreed, I had been doing that for years and it was awful. I now wear clothes for who and how I am. It feels normal. He wouldn’t get that as he already wears appropriate clothes according to how he identifies and he could not experience the feeling of how that felt as he was not transgender.

I am becoming more settled about the changes that are taking place in my life and getting ready to move. Some of the anxieties are reducing and I have been able to look “outside the tent” a little more than in the past two weeks.

I have been isolating for the last four months and apart from the changes in my circumstances  i am also going to have to get used to the new normal with face masks etc. I will be organising home delivery for the weekly food shop and limiting my interactions as much as possible.

So what has been going on in the outside world. In many ways not a lot. There has been the usual chaos surrounding Covid and mixed messages, trying to balance conflicting interests and priorities. Last week there was the dreadful, devastating explosion in Beirut. Seeing that on the news when the second explosion happened was staggering. A colleague at work is Lebanese and has family in Beirut. He told me that his family’s office was within half a mile of the explosion and he saw on the news that their building no longer existed….gone completely flattened. It took some days for there to be any news and yesterday he got news that his nephew was alive and although badly injured had survived. He had been outside the building about to get into his car and was blown over the top of his car by the blast rubble landing on top of him. Two other family members are still missing.

This explosion reminded me of watching the 9/11 attack in New York on the news. Not really believing what you are seeing. It is as if these are scenes from a blockbuster movie, yet they are for real. Over the next few days you watch people trying to come to terms with their shattered lives, the loss of loved ones, loss of shelter, loss of the most basic necessities to survive.

There is a international movement to give aid to support the Lebanon in this dire crisis, as indeed there should be. Yet this has sparked demonstrations. The corruption in government is such that the people do not want aid to go to their government. The government and its incompetence is blamed for the explosion. Any aid should go direct to organisations on the ground and by-pass their corrupt government.

This made me think about what is happening here. I read many reports of business and deals being done by our “democratic” government which appear to be less than ethical. Contracts are being given out worth millions of pounds under the cloak of it being necessary as a result of the Covid emergency without proper scrutiny… in fact with no scrutiny at all. Contracts for ferries to a company with no ships, contracts for PPE never supplied, contracts to companies where the government’s special advisers have close links. The public here will lose faith in our government, if indeed this has not already happened. Will there be protests on the streets here in an attempt to hold the government to account? A few years ago I would have considered it inconceivable but the present reluctance to be held to account seems unprecedented. I hope that will not happen here.

Then, my special interest subject bathrooms. Despite all the hype and that there would be an announcement on 22^nd July I have not seen anything. The battle continues to wage between trans activists and TERFS though not with the same energy. Interestingly more cis women are beginning to complain about being policed in bathrooms (presumably for not looking feminine enough). I read  a tweet saying that “I lurk in bathrooms to call out transwomen and cause as much embarrassment as I can, its great fun lol”. That made me feel better!

In the light of other hardships embarrassment, however unfair and unwarranted and however much all people are entitled to basic dignity, equality and their human rights, it is not life threatening. Something such as the explosion in Beirut emphasises the need to live now and be present. I hope I will be able to do that as I move into the next season of my life.

Well as I mentioned in my last post it is time to be stepping out and moving on. So I have been looking for a new place to rent. The criteria apart from it would be lovely to have  penthouse suite with a roof terrace overlooking the sea for a few pounds a month. Ah well, that/s not going to happen.

I work from home so it has to have some space where I can leave my work papers out (tidily of course) so they don’t have to be packed away all the time when I need to use the table. Also a good sized bedroom as I do seem to spend quite a lot of time lying on the bed working on my laptop and do not want to feel cooped up. A second bedroom so my friends and family can come and stay once this Covid scare is over.

What else do I need? A kitchen where I can fit the essentials for a busy life, which thanks to my housemate includes a dishwasher. As she said “You can take the dishwasher as I know you cannot manage without one”. It would be good if the kitchen was big enough to be able to eat in too. Then outside space would be good for my sanity, especially as there is a risk of another lockdown and people of 50/70 are going to be asked to stay at home again! I am in that category and I don’t see how I am meant to do that indefinitely.

As to where it should be located. My work is all over the place mainly in the South West at present and as my present place is in the East of the country this means a four hour drive before I do any work. Therefore I have to be somewhere I can easily get to where I have work contacts. Then as I will be on my own for the first time in years I would like to be within range of people I know in case the old anxiety creeps up. Therefore it needs to be somewhere which appears to be safe, though of course it is not possible to guarantee that there will not be some transphobe next door!

So I searched a large area and found what I had forgotten is that there are not enough rental properties to go round and that they are all under offer or let when you call about them. Why don’t agents show that on their websites? It would save a lot of frustration.

So slowly the budget goes up and the houses get smaller! Anyway at last I have been accepted on one which meets most of the criteria. Firstly, the house is in a quiet road in a market town which seems to fit the safe environment I am looking for. It is 30 mins from friends and family in case of need, yet not too near that I cannot have some privacy. I doubt family will be dropping by for a cup of tea on the off chance. It’s just under an hour to one of my main clients and at most two hours from my furthest client. A big improvement on the previous four to six hour journeys.

Now the decision has been made, I am looking forward to the next stage and moving on to my first home in my own name post transition.

It looks as if there are changes taking place. For the last three years I have been sharing a house with a couple who have become my family. I would not be where I am today without their care and support and I had not realised how much this has impacted on me and my ability to transition. Unconsciously as I explored going out and about I knew I had a safe space to come home to.

Because of my work it now makes sense to relocate. I have become aware, through my period of isolation, how unproductive the amount of commuting I used to across the country.  What I was not expecting from this decision to relocate is the level of anxiety it has induced.

I have moved house a number of times, definitely 28 times plus short term stays in addition. Yet none of those moves have caused anxiety as I am experiencing. This is the first move I am making where I am no longer a white privileged male and although I had become aware of my change in status I had not expected to have additional factors added into my shopping list as to what would be a suitable new home.

Some of these factors will apply to other groups. For a start as a woman I have more concerns about safety than I ever had before transition. One of the properties I considered is down a pedestrian walkway, more an alleyway and my first reaction was that is great, really nice and private. Then I started to think would I want to walk down that alleyway at night living on my own? 

The next factor is apart from being concerned about safety as a woman, I am a transwoman and how do I guard against transphobia. The answer of course is that I can’t. So is there anything I can do to minimise the risk. Clearly moving in and finding you have a transphobic neighbour cannot be avoided, you just deal with that if that unfortunately happens and I guess move on as soon as you are able to.

This will be the first time I have lived on my own in all of my mature years. I was surprised to realise that since leaving home, apart from my first twelve months in a Hall of Residence at University, I have lived always lived with a partner (wife or significant other) and now with the couple I house share at the moment. I would normally choose some rural community, a small village. However, do you go for the anonymity of a city where nobody really takes any notice of their neighbour? There are other factors. A city has more opportunities to socialise and entertainment. As I will be on my own this could be a plus. A smaller community could be equally good if you were able to fit in, be accepted and be drawn into the community.

I suppose I do not really know the answer at the moment. I have only just started looking. Hopefully a property will turn up which is an obvious choice and the agonising of what to choose will solve itself and I can step out into a new phase.