Surprised

I have been feeling really positive of late and being able to “go with the flow”. I had a chilled day off on Saturday and was idly looking through Twitter when I came across a  cartoon posted by a transwoman I follow. 

Her comment was simply “it says it all really” and yes it did. Instantaneously I was in bits, tears welled up in my eyes and I was crying, as much internally as actual tears.  I had been pierced to my core.

This is the cartoon:-

I feel it is a positive message so why was I so upset?

I think it is really quite simple I recognised the exhaustion, totally wiped out.

I have frequently felt, no-all the time I have felt, a deep well of sadness within me. Whenever I get emotional or am focused on my emotions by some other means the first emotion to surface is always this sadness. I cry at films, music, almost anything that touches me brings tears to my eyes.

The words “You have tried to protect me for way too long” is an interesting take on the experience of not coming out. Was I really protecting the woman inside me,  my real self,  or was I just scared of letting her out? My own take is that I was too scared to face the truth. In fact I spent my time trying to shut her down, the male outer cladding was trying to suffocate the woman inside.  I really did not want my world turned upside down.

Fortunately,  that woman had a mind of her own and she was not going to be shut down at any price. For as long as I can remember that woman has pushed and shoved me down the road on this journey. At every crossroads or hurdle, deep inside me I was compelled to take the next step. There has never been any question of turning back however much I might have fought to keep her at bay.

Then the cartoon moves to the woman inside, the real me “ I will handle the stress now it’s going to require a lot of bravery….”. People often say how brave it is to transition. I do not see it that way. It requires strength to face the challenges. I do not see that as being brave when it is something which is beyond control; that woman is coming out come what may.

So I would say it requires strength “to just try and live my life and hope that everyone sees I am not some dangerous bad person”. Yes I do identify with that hope.  I can only be me and I do hope that people will see me and not just see a transwoman who is unacceptable and a threat to their world by being different and therefore a dangerous and bad person.

So I cried recognising the exhaustion from the years of fighting, all those wasted years denying my essence. It was a cathartic experience which left me feeling lighter. It is too soon to see whether the reservoir of sadness has been drained or just the pressure relieved. 

However, “I  got this”. That’s true I have got this I am on my journey, no longer fighting myself to protect me. All I can do is face the challenges full on as best as I can.