Regrets

I have been reading a book that was recommended to me this week, The Midnight Library by  Matt Haig. Its central theme is one of looking at various possibilities of a life you might have had if you had made different choices based on the only book in the library which you have written, the Book of Regrets. I have not yet finished the book though it has made me think.

I have had two marriages and a third long time relationship. There have been other relationships which went nowhere for various reasons. I have brought up four children. I have had both success and failure in my work and I have worked in several different areas.

I have taught myself to think that one should not have regrets, that there are no bad decisions and once you have made a decision then that is it for better or worse. Maybe that is why I have tended to procrastinate, put off a decision. Strangely though I have a reputation for procrastination I am also impulsive. If something touches so that I feel it in my core, that’s it decision made. Actually no mental decision is made, I just feel it, do it.

So do I have regrets. I do not think so as every possible change of path would have led me to places, not known, but which would have meant other facets of the life I have experienced would not have happened. Of course you cannot really know that as if it was meant the argument would be that it would happen anyway.

Looking back I can see how my choices were impacted by my experiences, that my life might have been better if different choices had been made. You can’t actually say better, different.

I do not know about reincarnation and don’t know what I believe in. What about Karma? On the basis that I would not to be reincarnated if I can avoid it, I sometimes suspect hell is here and now living I believe is that in life you have to face whatever challenges you are confronted with and on that basis if these challenges are to do with Karma then it would not matter what choices, different decisions one had made Karma would have brought these challenges up to you repeatedly until they are faced.

There are a lot of decisions or lack of decision that I have made that led me down certain paths, one that of course stands out was the time it took for me to transition. I know my life would have been different if I had transitioned when I first realised and accepted that I was trans and if I was asked my opinion now I would say go for it, don’t wait. I lost a lot of living not just what might have been transitioning but more the living a lie for so long that shut down emotions, feelings, the opportunity to lead an authentic life.

Even so do I regret it? No, I am sometimes sad that I took so long to transition, to face some challenges that have come up in my life, more than once since I didn’t learn the first time round, yet it is my life. I feel having regrets, holding onto them is limiting. I have found it really hard and often struggle to live in the present, not to look for outcomes or to live in the past. I try to be thankful for what I have now to look to the future and to try and live it to the best of my ability and learn from my many mistakes.