They say the last few steps are the hardest. The last few steps before a new beginning, does that count? I was really quite down for a couple of days at the end of last week. In reality there was no valid reason to be despondent, down, but then emotions have little to do rational matters.
A long running saga had taken a substantial step forward in being resolved. Something that could be described as a festering sore sitting in the background always there, never dealt with. What I hadn’t realised was that I was still emotionally invested in the outcome. Clearly, I was by my response which took two days to work through before I realised that what had happened would enable me to try and resolve what was left to be done. I would like to say resolve it unemotionally. That was not the case. A phone call was made which was definitely fuelled by emotion yet that was the catharsis that enabled me to put it behind me. I hope that the remaining stages can be resolved now in a straightforward way.
This is one of a few old matters that need tidying up, resolving so that they do not impinge on new beginnings. All of them require effort. All of them are matters that I have tried to take in hand and deal with to enable me to move on free of them. None of them are easy to resolve.
It seems really strange that somewhere on the horizon there could be a way of being, of living in which I am not carrying around these burdens. I am so used to them being there. It is as if I don’t deserve to be without burdens to carry, always carrying that ball and chain. I do not say that in anyway feeling sorry for myself or any similar feeling, more an awareness that actually it doesn’t need to be like that. I have caused that, it is down to me I have given myself these burdens and it is down to me to alter it.
When I was away recently I saw a glimpse of life not controlled by dealing with these burdens, a life were historical old chestnuts did not run your life. I had managed to put the on hold for a week. Well more or less on hold, some minimal work was done to keep up the momentum of sorting them.
It feels as if I allowed, or even created, these issues to keep me pre-occupied from facing who I am, keeping me busy and that how I did not face up to myself was replicated in not facing up to and dealing with these various matters, allowing them to become the burdens they have become.
Since I have accepted and stepped into my authentic self, accepted who I am these matters have changed from being “that’s how life is”, “I can cope that is what I do”, to burdens that need sorting to give me the freedom to live the life my authentic self deserves, in the now not held back.
Of course there will always be challenges, things to deal with, I do not expect everything to be rosy. What I hope for is to be able to deal with challenges as and when they arise by facing them honestly without fudge. There has been too much fudge in my old life that is now being sorted. It all needs to be consigned to history, it is part of my past. That does not mean I cannot use skills learned through that part of my life in the future. I can. It just means they must be used properly this time.
Clearing the decks, taking those last steps to make that happen is certainly demanding, needs focus. The other day someone sent me the old chestnut :-
“Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery today is a present”.
That particular day I did not know how to unwrap the gift wrap and find the present. Those last steps changing course to be free from those burdens is the hardest part of the journey. I unwrapping the gift wrap.