I know the answer is yes and I do not really know why I am doubting that at all. I have been lucky enough to have survived and got through my gender dysphoria for the most part. I have transitioned. I have been extremely lucky with the way it has gone as I have set out in earlier posts.

All I am doing now is tidying up the loose ends. I have already changed my name and evidenced that with my driving licence and passport. Why is that not enough? Truthfully I am not sure. I would like to obtain a GRC yet the forms although simple enough seem daunting. The statutory declaration is straightforward. It’s the application form. I have lived in my new gender for longer than I can evidence it as the necessary paperwork for the tenancy etc were all in my deadname so I could prove my income. I have the Statutory Declaration as to when I changed my name for the NHS. I did this so I could try and get my HRT prescribed on the NHS. I have now had three different NHS surgeries (as a result of moving house) and two were willing to prescribe HRT on the NHS and one wasn’t.

So I need two medical reports from a practitioner specialising in Gender dysphoria. I think I can do that. Of course the Consultant Psychiatrist does not give out his telephone number so no doubt that will cause a problem. I do consider that it is necessary to have proper checks.  I am going through various hurdles relating to surgery. I have two recommendations for referral for surgery but then one of them became more than twelve months old so has had to be refreshed. That’s okay except there is a six month waiting list to see the Consultant privately. By the time that comes round the second report I already have will be over twelve months old too. I am arranging to see another Consultant to see if  I can manage to get two reports valid at the same time so I can book up surgery.

Of course that is totally ignoring that I was referred to the GIC over a year ago and have not even got anywhere near receiving so much as an acknowledgment. 

I am a mature transwoman and time is not on my side so I will persevere with scraping the funds together for medical reports and surgery. It sometimes seems unnecessarily hard and today is one of those days. Such days are very few and far between. I do know and appreciate how lucky I have been and what great support I have had and continue to have. Frustration occasionally gets the better of me!

Is it worth it? Yes of course it is. Living life knowing who I am is an enriching and freeing experience. I am no longer haunted by the years of dysphoria. I would like to tidy up the loose ends so that there are no more things to fix and be able to get on with living and dealing with ordinary life and issues.

It has been Trans Awareness Week recently. I have wondered about that  and its significance. Raising awareness is important. 

I grew up for decades not being aware that transgender even existed.  Being aware and knowing of its existence would have made a significant difference. I knew I was gender dysphoric. I didn’t know what it was. I hadn’t heard of it. I knew that I was a girl. I also knew that feeling like that was wrong. I became ashamed of my feelings, more importantly ashamed of myself. I had to hide how I felt. I was not acceptable. So what do you do, you create and acceptable image. Become a fraud until you believe in the image, pretend it is real. You do not need to be ashamed. See….I am this fully functioning male ( in my case). Yet you are not. You cannot fool yourself. You know deep down. You still feel ashamed you are some kind of freak. Unacceptable.

As I wrote in my last blog entry, luckily for me fate intervened and I came across Jan Morris’ book Conundrum. I became aware and understood. That didn’t make it alright though. I was still ashamed. I knew I was transgender. I still felt a freak and not worthy of acceptance. I didn’t know what to do with that knowledge. So secretly I sought out more information. I secretly self-medicated. I hid myself. I believed my world would crumble if my secret came out I had to maintain my image, the acceptable me, Mr Nice Guy. I underwent therapy for years to sort myself out ( in the hope that I would discover that I was deluded and I was not trans at all). That went well, I sorted many other issues but not that one!

So there you have it, you live a lie until it is no longer possible. You consider taking your life as you cannot face the reality of who you are or maybe the shame of having to face the world and admit you ae different. It is hard and many people say to you that it is brave coming out. I tend not to agree that it is brave because it is in reality an unstoppable force. It has to happen or you will wither away.

It is hard to describe the fear of coming out, the fear of being rejected. I had to be prepared to cut all ties all contacts and assume no one would accept the real me. I was inordinately lucky and my coming out was scary, but not traumatic. I had the support of brilliant friends. It takes time to realise you are okay. It takes time to build the confidence to be able to stand tall and face the world. It takes many small steps. I know now it is worth it and an amazing feeling to be able to accept I am a transwoman and not be ashamed that I am.

I know there is so much more awareness and acceptance now when I was struggling with my identity. Anything that increases awareness needs to be encouraged.

I was sad to hear of the death of Jan Morris this weekend. I have always enjoyed her writing and interviews given by her over the years. A lively and interesting person. However the overriding memory is the debt I owe her for writing about her journey as a transexual, as it was then described, and her subsequent sex change. Like her from a very similar age I had known I was female. I had also hidden it for many many years. As with probably most all transgender people I became troubled and unable to cope with the dysphoria even though I did not understand what it was.

Then fate took my hand. I was in my local library just randomly looking for something to read when the cover of a book with a geometric black and white cover caught my eye. A quick glance and I thought it looked interesting and I took it out. I started reading it that evening and I didn’t put it down until I had finished it. A light bulb moment, I knew why I felt like I did. I was transsexual, to use the terminology of that time. Everything made sense, I knew. I had no idea how I was going to deal with it or where that incite would take me, but I knew. The book was Conundrum by Jan Morris. Her book changed my life, opened my eyes and allowed me to begin my journey to where I am now, a transitioned transwoman. 

Subsequently, I read several of her books and came to know her through her writing and essays. The way she was so matter of fact about her transition and that it was an aspect of her life, not the be all and end all of her life I found refreshing, matter of fact.  Interestingly though she is well known for her transition, and this will be an abiding feature for which she is remembered, it is for her writing that she wishes to be remembered. Thankfully her writing is memorable. In 2008 she came 15^th in The Times List of the best writers in Britain since World War 2, has been shortlisted for the Booker Prize and in 2005 won the Golden Pen Award for her outstanding contribution to literature. There is every chance her writing will become her lasting legacy. I have also read that she has left a manuscript with her publisher to be published posthumously. I look forward to seeing what that is about.

I also reflected on how fate has also impacted on my journey through transition. Although I had been working my way tentatively towards transition, I have mentioned before the amazing the couple who have supported me and, without judgment, while I have transitioned. What struck me was that fate had taken me to her door for my first meeting. It had been totally unplanned and spontaneous. In a different way another light bulb moment, a connection which led me to where I am today. 

I am so grateful that fate has been present in my life.

As I have said before I am a mature lady and this weekend I have had a birthday which could be seen as a significant milestone. In itself that is not a major problem although I do admit that coming up to it I did indulge in some reflection and a degree of trepidation that on a reasonable prediction I have now lived more years than I am likely to live in the future. The upshot of that is the realisation that I have an awful lot of living to do and I must not waste any of it. After all I have spent the majority of my life hiding my true self. There is a lot of catching up to do.

Reading a blog recently the writer was wondering whether Transitioning could ever be anything but a verb. The gist of the post was that transitioning is an ongoing process and that she would always be transitioning or did there come a time when transitioning levels off and it becomes a noun. Her view was that although her transition had plateaued out and she knew what was round the corner, it was looking more and more as if her transition would always be a verb.

I disagree. I have transitioned, end of. I am not thinking about shall I transition, how do I do it, what will people think, how well will I pass. will it be okay? The fact is I have transitioned. This does not mean that I am the finished product. Far from it, I have a lot still to learn to develop, improve. I have however made the from one gender to another. Putting aside the TERFS for a moment, I live my life as the woman I am, albeit a transwoman. I work full time. I work in property. I advise a company with approximately a dozen staff on how to restructure the business. These are things I do as a person. A person who has transitioned. My transition is of no relevance, it matters not. What does matter is whether I am capable or effective at what I am doing.

In the USA the new President Elect has appointed a transgender lady Shawn Skelly, a veteran who was part of President Obama’s team in 2103  to his transition team. She has transitioned and what matters is whether she can do the job well. Also for the first time there is a transgender senator in Delaware, Sarah McBride. Someone who has transitioned. There were several other transgender candidates elected to office. 

The point I am making is that we go through a period of transition and then come out the other side having transitioned and get on with life. In my case there are many areas in which I need to improve post transition. Cis people work on themselves to improve and develop as well. It seems to me following transition, I need to get on and lead a normal life, both in my work and socially while still continuing to work on my development in all areas.

Doing this will be the best response I can give to the transphobes .So I had better get on with living my life t the full for the time I have left.

I was looking through some emails from September 2017, just over three years ago, and I was surprised at what I found. I suppose when you live your life you don’t really notice the changes that are going on around you or for that matter within you. These emails were exchanged with a close friend who has subsequently given me huge support through my transition. She and her partner have been completely non-judgemental throughout.

What surprised me was that in September 2017 the question of transitioning was still a matter for discussion. I knew I was trans as did my friends. Yet the question was raised, “You are not out to the world, maybe it is something you you need to dip in and out of”? That just seems so strange three years later. Yet then I had not found a sympathetic Doctor, I was in reality only out to my close friends, one of my children, definitely not at work so she was raising a legitimate question of whether I needed to continue in that situation, that I was not ready to move on despite what I was saying.

I describe my gender dysphoria as being like a runaway train, something unstoppable. I say this especially when people say, kindly, you are so brave. I think they really mean mad. But that is what it  was like for me. However much I was scared of being rejected, of being made fun off or ridiculed transition was inevitable. The fact I was scared delayed the inevitable, yet it was never going to stop me transitioning.

A few months later I moved in and lived with my friends sharing a house. When I was at home I always presented as myself and was treated as female at all times. I still had to travel to work and did so still in my male persona. Over the months the balanced tipped and it started to feel strange going out in male clothes. Because I had moved I needed to change Doctors and was lucky enough to find a GP who did not have an issue with Transgender patients and she was willing to supply my prescribed HRT on the NHS.

Progressively over the next two years my male persona diminished and my comfort levels grew as I my confidence increased. Throughout this time my friends were one hundred per cent supportive, offering me guidance yet not pushing me. Their understanding was phenomenal. Over the next two years I picked off people and told them I was transgender until by the end of last year I had come out to everyone important to me including work colleagues. I had the continued support of my friends throughout. In the same period I saw the Consultant Psychiatrist and Consultant Endocrinologist to get a referral  for surgery and steadily progressed through my transition.

Then for work reasons it became sensible for me to move further west to be closer and cut down on the travelling, so I found a place to rent of my own and moved in.

Taking stock, today I am fully transitioned living “me” in every facet of my life. All my official papers are changed including my new passport. There are a few people who still use my old name or get the pronouns wrong. Frankly that is there problem I am me and I know who I am. Things have changed so much I find it hard to remember I was once leading a different life. It has been a real surprise to me that it is only just over three years ago that I was still resistant about making the transition. A day of reflection on the past few years.

I owe a huge debt to my friends for giving me their support and allowing me the space to find myself.

It is hard to know what to make of this government. For a moment I thought they have got it. The fact they didn’t make changes about “safe spaces” for women when they reconsidered the Gender Recognition Act and Equality Act made me feel for a minute that they were being sensible and pragmatic. A statement said that women’s safe spaces were adequately covered by the provisions of the Equality Act. Indeed that is true.

So why do they quietly slip out one month and five days after they announced that the government would not be reforming the Gender Recognition Act do they now announce that the women and equalities committee has launched a new enquiry into trans equality. It is couched in positive terms.

“The women and equalities committee will examine these proposals, gathering evidence on whether the government’s proposed changes are the right ones and whether they go far enough.

“This inquiry will explore what changes, if any, should be made to the existing legislation, in order for current legislation to improve trans equality.

T is only five years since the women and equalities committee last carried out an inquiry into trans equality in 2015, the results of which recommended reforming the GRA. In 2018, there was a huge public consultation on potential reforms that more than 100,000 people responded to.

It then took the government two long years to publish the results, which showed that the public overwhelmingly supported removing the requirement that trans people have a diagnosis of gender dysphoria before being able to get legal recognition of their gender, something the Government decided not to adopt.

What troubles me is the further consideration about the provision of safe spaces for women and the specific directive that local councils and public bodies must ensure that sufficient safe single sex spaces must be made available for the protection of women as well as the suitable provision of toilets for other people. Just the use of the word “safe” feels to me as if it in re-igniting the JK Rowling safe space argument. That this is being done in the middle of the pandemic, another lockdown starting shortly just seems somehow duplicitous Maybe I am cynical….maybe they hope to make changes underneath the radar when nobody is looking, with Brexit round the corner probably happening under an extended lockdown when any changes they hope will go unnoticed. It just seems never ending…….

I was interested today from what one of my colleagues said. I work in an office where there are three of us girls and one male colleague in the office and there is a workshop in which fourteen men work. One of the girls partner works in the workshop. 

Over the weekend she had mentioned to her partner that he should give his mother more time as she was getting on a bit (in her seventies) which sparked a conversation about me. Although I do not admit to it, I am also in my seventies (shhh mid-seventies) and the girl said how different I was from her partner’s mother. She never thought of me as any different from her own age, (late forties) and how I was busy doing things getting on with life, driving 150 miles a day etc, etc.

What interested me was her partner’s response. “Well it is different, she used to be a man”. This was not said in anyway to be offensive. It was an observation that men age better than women and of course I would have more get up and go.

I have been thinking about that statement. To him it was quite clear cut…..”she used to be a man”. Simple men are a superior species. 

My observation over the years has been that what I see as premature ageing is prevalent in both sexes. I know many men who seem ancient in their early sixties hanging in at work waiting for retirement and then going down a gentle downhill slope…old before their time.

Is it different for me? Is he right? It was so straightforward that was the reason. It did get me thinking. I don’t feel I have ever been a man and that for want of a better way of putting it there has always been a hormonal imbalance. I have never been a man’s man full of testosterone taking on the world. Yes I am on oestrogen and my body has changed significantly, more easily than I would have expected and I would suggest that how I am now is more to do with the oestrogen than having previously been a man. As with many women, HRT has kept me young avoiding physical and psychological changes in more mature women.

However I do not think the difference is one of biological sex. I think the difference between being able to stay young at heart and active is essentially in the mind and holding a positive attitude.

The same person who made the comment also recently said (please forgive the forthright language ) “the only person in this company with any balls is going to get rid of them”. How confusing it must be for him. I feel he has no concept of what being transgender is like. Why should he? I am just lucky I am accepted completely by him whatever his thoughts on the matter.

I am at an interesting stage of my transition. In some ways I am both visible and invisible. To people who don’t know me I am now an ordinary person and don’t appear to stand out enough for them to take any notice. This is of course famous last words but I have had no abuse or evil stares for a while now. I am sure that is largely to do with confidence. I believe that if you show you are afraid or anxious  then that shows and can send out a signal to those that are so inclined that you are a potential victim and it is safe to have a go.

People at work just see me as a colleague and take no notice I am just me and I am one of the girls in the office. Having started working with a new company I have always been me to them. I am just the person to come and talk to if they have a problem to sort out.

Then there are my neighbours who see me day in and day out. I am treated as I would have been before I transitioned with a nod or a smile and a “good morning”.

Generally, the people who knew me before I transitioned have got past the novelty factor and just use my name and we get on with how things were before. 

I suppose this goes to how one deals with Transphobia and the TERFS. I am coming to the view that trying to lead a full and “normal” life is the best way forward. I can understand why people go “stealth” to protect themselves and might even be tempted myself, (my chances of doing that are slim since I am six foot without heels and I will always stand out). However, I do feel that it is important to own being transgender for those that follow in our steps. If there had been more role models or probably more accurately more visible trans people it would have made my path easier.

I see this as the way forward, entering into reasoned debate when opportunities arise and avoiding getting trapped or drawn into the slanging match that is currently raging between the TERFS and transphobes basing everything on biological gender existentialism and trans gender activists.

I received a reply to a letter I had written to my then MP last July about the proposed reforms to the Gender Recognition Act.  I had thought it had disappeared into a black hole never to be seen again.

So when i received his reply this week it came as quite a pleasant surprise. Looking at his voting record in the House of Commons I did not expect a great deal of support. As it is his response appears positive. 

Thank you for contacting me about the Gender Recognition Act 2004 (GRA).

I am determined that everyone in the UK should be free to live their lives and fulfil their potential regardless of their sex, gender identity, race or disability. I am also clear that transgender people should be free to proposer in modern Britain.

I am encouraged that my colleagues in the Government Equalities Office have, over recent years, looked carefully and thoroughly into the gender recognition process, including considering potential changes to the Gender Recognition Act 2004. After careful consideration, it is their view that this existing legislation strikes the right balance between ensuring there are proper checks and balances in the system and ensuring there is support in place for people who want to change their legal sex.

However, I understand it was clear from the consultation that changes are needed to improve the process and experience transgender people have when applying for a Gender Recognition Certificate. When responding to the National LGBT survey, transgender people highlighted two key obstacles in the process: bureaucracy and cost. I am especially glad that these are being addressed, with the entire procedure moving online and the existing £140 fee being reduced to a nominal amount. I am confident this will make a noticeable difference to the transgender people who use the system.

I would like to assure you that I am deeply committed to transgender equality and this continues to be something that I will champion in Parliament.

Together with my colleagues in Government, I want every individual, regardless of their sex, sexual orientation, or gender identity to have the confidence and the freedom to be themselves.

Having watched Yes Minister, I accept this was probably drafted by a civil servant who has drafted a response intended to please. It may be wishful thinking but there was no need to add in ‘I would like to assure you that I am deeply committed to transgender equality and this continues to be something that I will champion in Parliament”.

The response recognises that changes are needed in relation to applying for a GRC. What it does not address is the lack of support in relation to the provision of care for transgender people. In particular the appalling wait for a first appointment to attend a Gender Identity Clinic (GIC). The announcement by the Equalities Minister said there would be three more GICs to be opened this year. I am afraid this will barely scratch the surface of what is needed.

However the fact that the Equalities Minister took the view that no further action was required in relation to safe spaces for women was a major step in standing firm against the current social media war being waged by TERFS. What is necessary is for trans-people to resist the hysteria and go about their daily lives in the knowledge that they are protected by the law.

I have been, and still am, anxious about using female changing rooms and toilets. I have been fortunate enough to receive my new passport in my new gender this week and with this in my handbag I will feel able to stand up for myself better because I have an official document that recognises me as female. This has always seemed to me the main reason for obtaining a GRC so that there is a validation that can be produced when challenged. 

Anything that make obtaining a GRC easier should be welcomed. I opted for the passport route as it was cheaper and easier than trying to get a GRC. This raises the question of self-identity, already being successfully used in the Republic of Ireland. This would of course make it much simpler. I remain ambivalent as to whether it is the correct approach. I am sure at a basic level it is correct and a basic right for someone to be able to self-identify as to their gender. The more fluid gender becomes the more difficult I feel this becomes. For me transition was a clear binary decision and to enable me to live in my identity I have no difficulty in passing through some hoops to satisfy appropriate professionals I am serious about my identity. It also has the advantage of being able to say to transphobes (who will not listen anyway) that I have successfully established my identity and that it is not some fickle choice. This position is specific to my circumstances and I have an open mind on the question of self-identity at present.

However, if applying for a GRC was made simpler and cheaper, so that applicants did not have to wait months if not years to see an appropriate professional then the need to be able to self-identify might be less pressing.

Gender and biological sex what is the defining viewpoint. J K Rowling and those who accept her viewpoint say that biological sex is the defining issue. Women who menstruate etc. Of course we wont mention the many cis women AFAB who never  menstruate in their lives. To me defining a person in such simplistic biological terms is demeaning.

I was AMAB. Biologically I had male genitalia. I have never identified as male. By the time I was three I was having tantrums about why do people not realise I am a girl. It is the essence inside of the outer body that was to me undeniably female.

I am tired of the arguments that are continuing and the slanging matches that accompany them. This all needs to be dealt with by reasoned and civil debate. I have no time for the abuse thrown at both transphobes or transactivists. From my experience most transgender people wish to lead their lives with respect and dignity.

I have the greatest respect for Paris Lees, often described as a trans activist. Paris does not accept that definition, simply leading her life as best as she can by example and being a spokesman for trans people; not an activist which  seems to have gained a pejorative meaning through the current social media wars. The anacronym TERF is also pejorative though it only says what is in the tin, Trans Exclusion Radical Feminists which defines what they stand for.

I have been reading J A Butler on the Culture Wars. It is thirty years since she published Gender Trouble and the world in relation to Gender has changed immeasurably. In 2014 Time magazine declared there had been a Transgender Tipping Point around the time Caitlin Jenner hit the cover of their magazine. However there continues to be disagreement over biological essentialism which is the basis of and is reflected in the current media wars with radical feminist movements over transgender rights. In Septemebr 2020 J A Butler, who is the Professor of Comparative Literature at Berkeley University, exchanged emails with the New Statesman over this issue who subsequently published them in an edited form,

Interestingly JA Butler takes the view that TERFs do not represent the views of mainstream feminists who she considers support trans-rights and oppose transphobia and says that a “fringe movement is seeking to speak for the mainstream and that our responsibility is to refuse to allow that to happen”.

When asked about the JK Rowling point of view her response is quite clear

If we look closely at the example that you characterise as “mainstream” we can see that a domain of fantasy is at work, one which reflects more about the feminist who has such a fear than any actually existing situation in trans life. The feminist who holds such a view presumes that the penis does define the person, and that anyone with a penis would identify as a woman for the purposes of entering such changing rooms and posing a threat to the women inside. It assumes that the penis is the threat, or that any person who has a penis who identifies as a woman is engaging in a base, deceitful, and harmful form of disguise. This is a rich fantasy, and one that comes from powerful fears, but it does not describe a social reality. Trans women are often discriminated against in men’s bathrooms, and their modes of self-identification are ways of describing a lived reality, one that cannot be captured or regulated by the fantasies brought to bear upon them. The fact that such fantasies pass as public argument is itself cause for worry.

She clearly sees this as unrealistic. It does not reflect a social reality. Put more bluntly it is fear mongering and raises transphobia. JA Butler takes the view that the only way forward is by rational argument without the hysteria currently prevalent in the cancel culture of social media.

This is one of the reasons why i would want to have a Gender Recognition Certificate. It is a validation in some form that I am serious about my gender identity. 

Reasoned debate is the only way forward with as many trans people leading responsible normal lives to refute these views by example.