I really feel as if I am surrounded by chaos, it all seems a bit surreal. I do not pretend to be an expert, simply a mature trans woman trying to meander my way through a reasonably straightforward life. I know that I have become much more aware since transitioning, largely because I no longer need to hide and I can be myself so I notice more of life around me. It is still a learning curve. 

So what’s the problem? So much doesn’t seem to make sense. 

This week there is a real concern, consternation that Russia my invade Ukraine. I really find that so difficult to conceive. It has to be lunacy have we learnt nothing from history. It seems to me a real possibility that an invasion might happen. I had been putting it down to a case of severe sabre rattling by President Putin to persuade Western countries to agree deals over energy and defence and that nobody would actually allow there to be a war. Yet diplomacy does not seem to be bringing any positive results. 

Double speak abounds, President Putin says he wants diplomacy and has no intention of invading Ukraine, yet he promotes in his National media that the US is the aggressor moving troops into NATO countries and that Russia has the right to defend itself. There is talk of a false flag attack on Russia by pro-Russian activists so that gives a reason for Russia to defend themselves.

I find it hard to understand how leaders play these games putting so many people’s lives at risk in the event. As someone said to me today, “the world is run by a group of male psychopaths”. It makes me feel God help us all.

Then there is the continuing debate over the EHRC. The Good Law Project is getting behind the challenge as to whether it is fit for purpose any longer. The barrister who attacked Stonewall’s trans inclusion advice is appointed to the Equalities watchdog role and a new Chair is appointed Baroness Falkner, who after her appointment held meetings and gave it seems one sided access to a transphobic group founded by Nicola Williams called Fair Play for Women. According to an article I have read in Vice similar access was not given to groups supporting trans rights. Equally access was given to the founders of the LGB Alliance a gender critical group.

Subsequently, under the new influences the ECHR have become more critical of gender identity and are advocating  for existing rights to be reconsidered and for proposed reforms of the GRA to be delayed for further consultation. The former Chair of the EHRC, David Isaacs has said that that the EHRC has become political following the appointment of Liz Truss when she announced that the new Chair Baroness Falkner “would drive (her) agenda forward” and “challenge dangerous group think”. David Isaacs view is “that and independent regulator shouldn’t be in a position where the governments of the day can actually influence the appointments of that body to support a particular ideology”. This seems to be exactly what is happening and why the ECHR may lose its UN Grade A status as an independent body.

It all just seems to me a bit Alice in Wonderland , the lunatics have taken over the asylum, which I appreciate lacks critical thought or reasoning but whatever happened to common sense or balance. It just seems to me that everything, not just the issues referred to here, is becoming polarised and that this could have dire consequences.

A friend of mine asked me if I had read a couple of books by Michael Mayne. She has gone away on leave for a week hopefully to recharge her batteries. She had taken one of them away with her to “dip into”. The answer was no, I had not heard of him. As she had said that I may enjoy them I googled him. I was surprised to find he was a priest. A former Dean of Westminster  Abbey. 

One of them was entitled The Sunrise of Wonder. Simply reading a synopsis on Abebooks (my go to bookseller) it describes the book as “a collection of thoughts and recommendations for a more fruitful and spiritual life. In these letters he celebrates life and tells of the beauty to be discovered in the world of art, music, prayer and nature. There is no moralising just an offering of his inspiration”. From the back cover “it is a passionate plea to the reader to pass through their one earthly life with a trained and watchful eye…..this keenly argued book confronts today’s fashionable cynicism and despair…”  Written in 1995, I suspect it is still relevant now, if not more so.

I have been reflecting too over the last year. I expect many people have with the enforced reduction in socialising, having to change the way in which we lead our lives. For me in particular moving through transition and growing towards being my authentic self has meant I have been able to let go of various props that seemed important, that framed how I thought about life. In particular I have become much more aware of nature. The simplicity and the complexities of nature.  A really simple source of joy, yes joy, is the burgeoning avocado plant on the kitchen window sill grown from its pip. Noticing the bird life which ventures into the garden and when I am out on walks.

I know I have a reluctance to embrace the Church of England as a result of some unfortunate experiences pre-teen / early teens, yet I also feel a real spiritual connection too. I was educated at Cathedral School, attending and singing in the Cathedral every day. There is something mystical, magical that touches my core. When visiting Durham Cathedral I was moved to tears just being there, feeling it. I seek out ways to connect with spirituality and have done so for most of my life…some more successfully than others, engaging with new wave psychologies, physical disciplines, meditation. It will be interesting to read Michael Mayne’s take on a more traditional view and how it fits with present times. It seems to me the Church of England is very reluctant to openly accept trans persons into their flock. There are exceptions and my experience is that acceptance tends to come from individuals rather than the established church.

The friends I have written about before in this blog are looking to move away to live “off grid” so they can live life on their own terms. There is a real attraction to that getting off the hamster wheel and being able to appreciate life around one.

I will look forward to having a read when the book arrives.

From not wanting to be political, it seems I feel I need to go there again. 

The Government for some time has been consulting over the reform of the Gender Recognition Act for both England and Wales as well as Scotland. The consultations were overwhelmingly in favour of reform. The proposed reforms also formed part of the government manifesto when they gained a substantial majority at the last general election. However, in England and Wales apart from tinkering around the edges reducing the fees the proposals have been pushed away into the long grass. The proposed reforms are still on course in Scotland where the First Minister regularly confirms that the necessary legislation is on course despite a very vocal Gender Critical minority trying to derail the reform.

The government has also been consulting on the issue of banning Conversion therapy in England and Wales. Again the response to the consultation was overwhelmingly in favour of a ban.

The EHRC responded to both sets of consultations supporting the proposed changes. In the last week the EHRC has issued two statements substantially changing their position. In relation to the ban on conversion therapy in which the proposed legislation was designed to protect LGBT+ s, the EHRC have now proposed that that Trans people should not have the same protection against conversion therapy as LGB people. Their second statement has recommended that the proposed legislation in Scotland on the Gender Reform Act should be delayed to allow more time for consultation. There have already been two consultations and the process has taken years several years longer than is normally the case.

So why are there yet more delays and a need for further consultation? The answer appears to be with the government again and their involvement, encouragement of Woke Wars. The government have recently appointed new members to the Commission and to the Chair of the Commission who sympathise with the gender critical minority. 

The EHRC is supposed to be a statutory body set up to enforce the Equality Act 2010 and in so doing to protect the nine protected characteristics which include sexual orientation and gender reassignment.  Quietly the EHRC has also amended wording in their documentation changing “gender” to “sex” in support of their gender critical views and supporting sex based rights.

Stonewall issued a statement condemning the two recent statements the EHRC had issued. Their statement goes so far as to say:-

 The EHRC is a UN accredited National Human Rights Institution and as such is expected to operate according to the Paris Principles which include the commitment to promote and protect all human rights and to contribute to a world where everyone, everywhere fully enjoys human rights. We believe (the EHRC’s ) statements violate these principles.

They gone on to call for a review of EHRC to ensure that trans peoples rights are effectively supported by the institution.

As well as Stonewall, the LGBT Foundation issued a statement in which is included “These statements are extremely damaging and cannot be supported in any circumstances”.

To add to the mix the Council of Europe has named the UK as a place of concern in relation to growth of highly prejudicial gender critical and anti-trans narratives…..to what these movements deliberately mischaracterise as “gender ideology”. This same narrative appears to be the one being followed by the EHRC with the support of the government by the appointments they are making. The UK no longer appears on the list of safe countries for transgender people.

It seems to me that the EHRC should be constituted in a way that it is wholly independent of Government and be enabled to carry out its function of supporting and promoting all human rights without government bias and interference.

I am making an exception in that I do not want to use this blog as a political platform in anyway, apart from commenting from time to time about transphobia which is a political issue.

However, following my last post on Integrity I am so wound up by the present situation  with this government that I do not feel able to just ignore it. There are serious issues to be considered in the world at the moment, the Russian Army sitting on the borders of Ukraine, an energy crisis, not unrelated to matters concerning Russia and gas pipelines, a real cost of living and inflation crisis and yet all the government’s efforts are concerned in trying to bolster the situation of the current Prime Minister from an astonishing array of “mistakes” as he is wont to explain it.

It is simply ludicrous that Minister after Minister is wheeled out to spout a whole load of meaningless bullet points saying the Prime Minister has got it right on the big issues so he should be supported.

On top of that the Police are involved with investigating events that have taken place in Downing Street and yet another investigation has been launched concerning an allegation of Islamophobia. What is the Prime Ministers response “ I took it very seriously 18 months ago when it was first raised and I take it very seriously now” and has set up an inquiry to push it off into the long grass again. Not that seriously or else he would have done something eighteen months ago. Anyone with any integrity would resign. Not launch Save Big Dog and Operation Red Meat, sending out Ministers to defend the indefensible. The only people holding the Government to account are the Good Law Project crowdfunded by the public who have had enough. They have even had to bring litigation against the Metropolitan Police to try and persuade them to investigate potential crimes!

What a mess. My main concern apart from not enjoying being taken for stupid, is that any faith in politics has been eroded. Politicians are generally seen as being self-serving and corrupt. Trying to find a politician who appears to be sincere and have the interests of their constituents and the country before anything else appears to be a rarity. Indeed if someone appears to stand up against the governing clique efforts are made to disparage them or even it appears to damage their reputations. I accept there are probably more decent politicians in the House of Commons than it would seem. I only hope they will find the backbone to stand up and be counted.

It has to be time for a compete change of the system and rid ourselves of the First Past the Post system, to move to a form of proportional representation which I consider would protect the electorate from the abuses of government we are now seeing. 

I would welcome a Progressive Alliance of political parties to join forces to oust this failing government having previously agreed electoral reform as part of their pact. 

This is a word, with some relevance these days concerning politicians. I am not interested in this post about actual party politics, it is irrelevant. Yes of course it is prompted by our current Prime Minister and his difficulties but it is not about any political party. My thoughts are more general. His difficulties simply made me think about it.

I am old enough, sadly, to remember when the Defence Minister, John Profumo, lied to the House of Commons. He came to the House of Commons, admitted he had lied, apologised and then immediately resigned. No ifs or buts, just a simple resignation. There was no trying to get away with passing the buck. He spent the rest of his life in what seems to me a form of atonement working for a charity.

What a contrast. The present incumbent of Downing Street has clearly lied to the House of Commons over what has become known as Partygate. It seems that he has a track record of lying over many issues including before he was a politician. However, it is the Partygate issue I have been thinking about.

When the parties emerged the PM simply denied there had been any sort of party, he had been reassured there had been no parties and no Covid rules had been broken. This persisted for some weeks. A total denial. Then there was the embarrassing video talking about parties and pretending they were a “work event”. The PM was furious and the lady in the video offered her resignation which was accepted. The implication along being portrayed about parties was that the PM knew nothing about any party and was furious to have learnt about them.

On it went and then, oh dear, it becomes clear that his office invited 100 people to a party, yes described as a party, and some thirty of forty people turned up, bringing their own booze as requested, including it transpires the PM and his girlfriend. Oh and a couple of his girlfriend’s friends too. That is a bit of a problem as the PM has said there were no parties. He has assured the House there were no parties. Clearly, he has lied to the House of Commons. People call for his resignation for lying to the House, breaching the Ministerial Code. No instant resignation, pathetic buck passing and ridiculous excuses about it not being a party were made in order to cling to office at any price as well as hiding behind an impartial Inquiry with very limited terms of reference. As the PM says frequently the buck stops with him. Then do the right thing and resign.

So what is integrity? Being truthful, open doing the decent thing.  I have no claim to the moral high ground, very far from it. In my life I have lied many times some with serious consequences, some with little consequence save to my own wellbeing. You live with shame because whether or not your lie is detected, whether it has consequences, you know you have lied or not been straightforward and open.

One of the really difficult areas for me to come to terms with is that I have lived a lie for the majority of my life. I became detached from being authentic, being economical with the truth, lying, was a way of surviving and it filtered through into everyday behaviour. What has been really hard is first to recognise what you do and then to change it. From bitter experience even if you want to change, it is not just a question of flicking a switch. In all honesty although living an authentic life having transitioned, it has taken longer to recognise and deal with ingrained habits. I am very fortunate I have people who care for me and call me out when I need to be. I believe I have improved yet it is something I still keep an eye out for. It matters.

I have been having to learn a salutary lesson this week. It is one of my failing and have often said that on my gravestone there should be engraved “the road to hell is paved with good intentions”. In truth this would not really be accurate as that is only my interpretation. 

One of the changes that is apparent from transitioning is the loss of the male privilege I enjoyed previously, even if I do not understand or even acknowledge I had such a privilege. As a lawyer I was well used to do dealing with problems, coming up with solutions, moving parts of a jigsaw about to come up with a workable outcome.

Having transitioned it becomes apparent that this is no longer an expectation. I thought I had accepted that if not gracefully at least with an acceptance of that is the way it is.

Recently, I have been trying to assist a female friend achieve something fairly complex. In my way I came up with a plan for achieving it and the plan was put in place. As time went on my friend changed the way in which she wanted to achieve the result. Though surprised, I accepted that she had changed how she wanted to do this and the new plan was adopted.

Although I thought I had accepted it, in fact it transpires that underneath a resentment was bubbling away. I realise now it was my ego that wanted to achieve this for my friend and that I wanted it to be done my way. Effectively, I was imposing what I thought was the way to achieve the result without consideration of what my friend wanted.  

I feel rather ashamed of my actions, lack of consideration, feeling rather conscious that this was both arrogant and ego driven, however subconscious or well-intended, a throwback to operating with male privilege. There is so much to learn about yourself when you transition, almost all of it in terms has been with the huge support of my friend which makes this whole incident so mortifying.

 A New Year. I do not believe in Resolutions since once they are broken, and that in my case is usually only a few weeks at best, they do not get put back in place. I prefer to use the New Year as a time to take stock and set some aims for the coming year. Goals to achieve which can be worked towards and are constant. Hopefully, you get there. If not at least you will be on the path.

This year on New Year’s Eve I had set myself a goal in relation to how I behaved in a relationship and to build on that as it is the core relationship in my life, my raison d’etre. I am glad I had not made this a resolution as on New Year’s Day I stumbled big time and in all honesty put the whole relationship at risk. Quite rightly, in simple terms it became a question of sort yourself out and accept how it is, step up to the mark or step out. It was made clear the choice was mine.

Wow, dig deep and reflect on what you really want, deeply think on it. I had known when waking the next day I had behaved inappropriately. The demon drink had played a part which is absolutely no excuse. What should have been a celebration of the New Year with some bubbles turned into a debacle. In a strange way the situation has been a blessing for me, though not for the other parties involved who definitely did not need or deserve it, as it has indeed made me look at my behaviour, try and discover what prompted it and what do I really want.

I have never been happier than I am in this relationship. We had all spent a wonderful Christmas together, there was no question in my mind that we were heading to something special. Then this. When setting out what I had to do and think about, it was also clear that provided I sorted myself out and stepped up to the mark it would be okay, they still wanted it to work out. It was then that from nowhere out of the blue came “but I am unlovable”. Somewhere deep inside me the years of denying my true self, of abuse and subsequent self-abuse were still lurking. I was so surprised. Is this why I self-destruct when something good happens? 

No more. I have choices. I choose to love myself so I can be loved, I choose to step up to the mark and treat those who are dear to me beyond measure with love and respect as they deserve. I cannot change the past, but I do still have a goal and I choose to live up to it.

Nothing seems to improve in the world around us and I am finding it quite difficult to continue to ignore it. I do not think it is just the political chaos that is swirling around us at the moment, I feel it is more related to the uncertainty of how this is all going to pan out over the next few months. I realise I have not seen some of my children face to face for two years come this weekend. It is something I have blanked really just accepting that is the case and it will sort. At the moment I wonder when.

Christmas is always a stressful time with different parts of the family wanting to get together, including some, excluding others with me in the middle; so frequently one travels far too much accommodating people’s wishes. Then this year I have been being very careful in protecting myself from the virus with quite long periods of semi-isolation. Something my family doesn’t seem to get as they mix and carry on as normal. Needless to say, one household which includes one of my daughters and one of my sons has had Covid together with the rest of the household. They are therefore quite happy to suggest that they are now safe and there will be no problem in visiting and spending Christmas day with them and I have nothing to worry about. I am no scientist. On occasions it is difficult to “follow the science” as this does seem to change but what have picked up is that it is possible to be re-infected and it is possible to transmit infection after you have had Covid. Also, they are only twenty minutes from London where, in case they hadn’t noticed it, there is a surging infection rate of Omnicom sufficient for the Mayor to declare a state of emergency.

I have been invited by close friends to visit them for Christmas for a couple of days. They  take the risks seriously, to the extent that we have all agreed to isolate before meeting up, so that so far as possible I do not bring an infection to them and they do not infect me. Having spent the best part of two years keeping safe it feels pointless to put it all at risk at the last minute because my family have had enough of it all. It fascinates me how my youngest son scans the internet for medical views that support his theory that it is all being exaggerated and that masks have no effect, that the population is being used as guinea pigs, which is morally wrong. He is not antivax, he has had his jabs. He is just looking for justification of his view. As I said you always can find anything on the internet to justify any position, it does not mean it is right.

So I am fortunate, I am able to visit where I want and choose to be because we have all been willing to take the necessary steps to be safe so that we can enjoy our time together without stressing unduly. If that had not been possible I would have been content to stay at home and to have had a quiet Christmas, mixing with friends and family by Zoom as we did last year. I wonder where it will all be this time next year.

I try not to be political and normally I could be classed in the neutral to apathetic group of voters often feeling any vote I cast is unlikely to make any real difference whatever my beliefs and convictions. Yes I have written about transphobia and how there is a deliberate push by our present government to promote culture wars, in which they are succeeding, and which allows them to get on with all sorts of mayhem undercover.

However, what has got me really riled is the complete contempt for the electorate which has been everywhere over the last few weeks culminating in the unbelievable denials and obfuscations of what has quite obviously happened, albeit a year ago. The audacity of the Prime Minister just saying effectively at first that there was no party and then that if there was no rules were broken and that “he had satisfied himself” until in the end they set up an enquiry to see if there had been a party and if so what occurred. Everyone knows there was a party. The Prime Minister’s leading press guy has admitted he was there and offered his resignation which was refused by the Prime Minister, yet still we are having an investigation to see whether there was a party as alleged!

It is the fact that somehow those in power think everyone is so stupid that if they say something often enough as a fact we will believe it, accept it. In a way what has made all this so much worse for me is the was so many Ministers in the Government, both senior and junior, have been wheeled out to support the indefensible, repeating parrot fashion that we don’t know there was a party let us wait and see what the investigation uncovers yackety yack. Amazingly one of these was the Deputy Prime Minister, the Minister for Justice, who completely straight faced said “retrospective crimes are not normally investigated” when asked to comment on the Metropolitan’s reluctance (refusal) to investigate breaches of lock down regulations. Do they not hear what they are saying? All crimes are retrospective or else they haven’t been committed. He is a qualified lawyer, Minister for Justice………….

Why am I so wound up about this?  I think it is that because it has dragged on for so long and the Prime Minister and his acolytes keep repeating the untenable which makes me feel that they truly believe there is one rule for them and one for everybody else, that they really hold everyone else in contempt and they really believe they can do whatever they want which includes dismantling various levers that protect democracy, The Policing and Borders Bill currently going through Parliament almost under the radar because of all this other nonsense that is attracting all the attention. I am not one for conspiracy theories but is all this nonsense (which could have been killed by a frank admission of yes there was a party, it broke the rules, there are consequences…telling the truth) a diversionary tactic.

Of course I am naïve expecting our politicians to behave honourably and in the interest of the citizens they have been elected to represent, but this is not just a one-off, it seems to have reached a whole new level of hypocrisy and distortion on an on-going basis. Basically I find it so hard to believe that this is the state of politics in this country. I wish I could invoke the spirit of Victor Meldrew and say  “I don’t believe it”, sadly that is not so.

It has been a weekend when I have been noticing quite a few trans people, mainly trans women expressing their concerns about what seems to be going on around trans people at the moment, with several expressing that they wondered whether or not they would have come out of the closet if they had known that the level of hostility presently being stoked up was going to happen, though none of them were saying they regretted transitioning.

It seems this is something where all minorities are seeing an increase in hostility. I was interested that it is not just trans people who are feeling more unsafe. Chris Bryant, the Labour MP who is gay, said in an interview with Nick Robinson that he felt significantly less safe now than he did a decade ago and that he attributed this to the culture wars that this government was promoting. There was an unpleasant anti-semitic incident in Oxford Street last week when a bus was subject to abuse.  The way in which asylum seekers are dehumanised as “migrants” and labelled and almost objectified as economic migrants.

All of these minorities seem to the subject of misinformation about their circumstances. IN my case, being transgender, the gender critics are peddling that is self ID were to be allowed it would enable trans women to invade and use single sex women’s spaces. Allowing self ID would not do that as transwomen are already entitled under the equality act to access single sex women’s spaces. It is not new and there is already a power for single sex spaces to claim an exemption where appropriate.

The trouble is that gender critical theory is being promoted as if the existing rights do not exist. What is actually being sought is the reduction, the rolling back of rights already in existence by promoting fear. Organisations such as the WHRC seek to eliminate trans rights and the very recognition of trans people. Mallory Moore has written an article* for Medium entitled WHRC and “trans genocide” in which she comments that  WHRC (Women’s Human Rights Campaign) and other groups openly discuss their desire to eliminate transgenderism which they describe as a practice. What these organisations really want is to roll back or repeal the rights transgender people already have gained in International Human Rights Law and UK Law.  I find these attacks and arguments concerning. 

My experience generally is different and I suspect so is the experience of many trans people. Most women are accepting or at worst tolerant of trans women. I recall that in most surveys there is a majority of cis women that who are willing to accept trans women as women. My fear is that unless these extreme views based on misinformation are not rebuffed they will gain support and cause radicalisation.

*Mallory Moore https:/chican3ry.medium.com/whrc-and-trans-genocide-8f73ad6c0677