One of the blogs I follow is Paula’s Place. Her byline is “The experiences and adventures of the World’s leading Transgender Conductor and Bass Trombone and Tuba Playing Christian Gardener”. Her blog normally comments on her life in the areas referred to in her byline. A  fascinating take on an interesting life.

Recently, her blog on 8^th February was headed Time for a Change. Paula does not normally comment on anything political nor does she make her blog a Transgender blog per se. On this occasion she had written a piece to be published elsewhere entitled “Time to set the Agenda”. In this piece she comments on the incessant transphobia we are all met with on a daily basis in the media. Paula says she sees them because the tweets are shared by her fellow trans people. The trouble is that it all becomes very wearing and as she puts it people get ground down by it. The temptation is to try and respond and defeat the arguments by lengthy responses but she feels these are not read by anyone that matters as they are largely read by fellow trans people and allies. Effectively, Paula feels we are shouting into the void. I suspect this is true.

So what is the option. Paula’s has a plan. Her plan is that we don’t try and rebut all these hysterical arguments and suggests a change in tactics. Paula argues that it is simply time to stop engaging with our opponents, stop responding and instead move the spotlight away from ourselves and on to the Government and as she puts it “their apparent inability to defend us as citizens”. Paula states that “we need to learn to take control, we must stop responding instead we need to take control we need to be the ones setting the agenda”.

I agree. I have felt it to be futile responding to the likes of JK Rowling and others as they are so entrenched and convinced in their beliefs and views nothing is going to change their mind. By responding it perpetuates an endless circle.  I have read instances where a trans ally have had their backs put up by the strident voices of trans activists. One such trans ally was quite happy to have trans women using her spaces (toilets,) as they have been able to do quite legally for years, but became irritated by the strident assertion of their “rights” to do so. The result is that the situation becomes more and more inflammatory.

I feel the way forward is to support pressure groups and to lobby MPs to inform and get the political parties on side, to get the parties to agree to adopt a definition of Transphobia so that they can then manage their own parties and reduce transphobia in political parties and by so doing reduce the effect of and in time marginalise the strident voices of a toxic minority.

I have often wondered how people feel who have not had to deal with gender dysphoria. How it feels to be certain, not conflicted by ones gender. As I imagine most people with gender dysphoria carry it with them 24/7….it never goes away. While transitioning I was always conscious I was transitioning with all the conflict and turmoil that comes with it. Because I had this inner conflict and have had it for any decades the predominant feeling I have felt is one of a melancholy. Not depressed, rather a sadness that is always present. I have always identified with autumn, the “season of mists and mellow fruitfulness”. I have thought this was probably because I was born in November, a Scorpio. I have had an infinity with and preferred the minor keys in music. When doodling on the piano without fail I do so in minor keys. 

In recent weeks I have written about acceptance and confidence in relation to transition. In that time I have realised that I have accepted who I am, a transwoman. I no longer have to think about it and do not think about it day in and day out. Yes, there is still a lot to do in improving my transition, mainly physical in terms of competing my electrolysis and having GRS once the lockdown and everything is over but these are just things to be done and completed. They are details now, still important but detail. 

Losing that constant background chatter, the shame of being different…..odd…..abnormal has made way for a new feeling one that at first I didn’t recognise. I realised I felt happy. Happy with who I am…..I have to repeat that….happy with who I am. I don’t think I expected that. I probably thought I would reach a place where the conflict would be reduced, where the incessant dysphoric chatter would reduce and that would be great.

By being who I am and having the confidence to live my true self, despite prejudice and transphobia, I have gained an unexpected gift. It is still very new….there is still a measure of distrust…..surely not….me happy? I hope this newly found and recognised feeling will stay around. Fingers crossed.

Maybe this is how cis people feel? There is always plenty to worry about but hopefully for me that particularly heavy ball chained to my body has moved on and i can just worry about the usual daily tribulations.

Last week I was impressed with how quickly President Biden had repealed the Transphobic executive orders which President Trump had signed and put in place. This week I came across First Minster of Scotland, Nicola Sturgeon, making clear her support for transgender people.

I am not sure why I have any optimism about a turning of the tide, particularly while Equalities Minister Liz Truss remains in her post with her determination to protect safe spaces for women (essentially single sex toilets). As an aside I have been watching “Spiral”, French Police series on BBC 4, and I do wonder how the French manage to survive mixed gender toilets without any apparent harm to cis women. This never seems to be brought up. Is this a peculiarly Anglo/American problem?

However I do have a feeling that there are small shoots beginning to grow through. The recent successful appeal and intervention by the Good Law Project in the Tavistock and Portman’s Clinic’s case allowing young transgender people to have access to appropriate health care.

I am continuing my research and reading to broaden my knowledge around Trans history so that I can become a more effective voice for transpeople.

This week I came across a tweet by comedian Jane Godley where she stands up for being a trans ally. In the simplest of terms she says:-

“ I support Trans people, I haven’t swallowed a pill or am too woke so please just block me because you telling me what I should do and how I should think WON’T WORK- abusing me online won’t change me into thinking how you think. That’s not how it works-peace”.

What a simple straightforward statement. No trying to justify why or arguing a case. She has said what she feels.

This week we have also had President Joe Biden revoking the Executive Order banning transgender people from serving the in their  Armed Forces. The discrimination in the USA is beginning to be rolled back, at least in theory! These steps will make transphobes any less transphobic in fact it will probably add fuel to the fire in the short term. The Gender Critical in the US have already started complaining that President Biden is sacrificing womens’ rights.

It is the third anniversary to day of  “Trans Britain Our Journey from the Shadows” a book by Christine Burns MBE. She has also written an amazingly insightful thread about the history of trans rights on a thread for What The Trans where she points out that Trans rights to non-discrimination are based in the Sex Discrimination Act of 1975, twenty five years before they were carried forward into the Equality Act 2010.

I am reading this book and the information has widened my understanding and I feel should be a must read for anyone who is Trans or a Trans ally. I suppose I am gathering the background to be more vocal based on information and not just emotion.

Jane Godley’s simple statement I found inspiring.

Basically this blog relates to things that crop up in my life that are related to my being transgender and my transition.

I have  had a week which has been overwhelmingly about work and the fact that the company I have been involved with is going to close and there is going to be a restructure in which I may or may not be involved. So this has little to do with trans matters. The fact that the company is closing has financial implications for me with the potential loss of an amount of money I cannot afford to lose. It is borrowed money that I will have to repay in any event.

Strangely there was a trans issue that came up obliquely. When contemplating how I was going to manage these problems, as is often the case one option is to run away and not face them at all, end it all (not seriously just an expression) then it struck me how that could never now be an option anymore, everyone would it was because I am transgender and not able to cope. Whereas, in fact it is the best thing that has happened in my life to be able to be my true self.

I have been very fortunate in my transition. Many years back I would admit to thoughts of suicide. It did cross my mind fairly frequently for a while and for some months such thoughts were often present. What the Trans quotes Stonewall’s research that almost 50% of transgender people have made attempted suicide at one time. 

Why did I have those thoughts? Really I am not sure if there was one particular reason. The idea of transitioning just seemed so hard. It seemed impossible that I could earn a living and get a roof over my head, fear of being cut off from everyone and being an outcast, shame fr being weird, “not normal”, then later concern about causing grief and hurt to those I loved, my family…..thinking they would be better off without me. I was fortunate that something inside me kept pushing me on and despite all those fears and reasons started to transition. 

It has been amazing, there have been and are many challenges to face and overcome. I can do that now from a position of strength and certainty about who I am. The days of fear and running are gone and any problems challenges in life trans or not trans need to be faced.

I have been thinking about how I can be active in trans without necessarily being a trans “activist”. I have always taken the view that trying to be a positive example was enough, just to get on with leading my life without drawing attention to myself but not hiding the fact I am trans. I tend to be put off by strident articulation of any point of view, for example, the newly converted non-smokers, the newly converted born again religious people who all know what is best for you.

So by deciding not to go “stealth” (if and when that possibility was available to me) was a way of being out there and trying to live life without hiding and being real seemed to me to be the best way, a positive example.

On January 8^th  “What The Trans”  a very long thread on Twitter outlining a detailed history of transphobia in the UK which quite frankly is concerning.  It is a pinned tweet at the top of their page and any interested person should read it. It has changed my perspective and made me feel that my previous stance was perhaps a bit close to the doing nothing position stated by Edmund Burke “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.” Or in this case “The only thing necessary for the triumph of transphobia is for good trans-people to do nothing.” On 10^th January it posted a thread on how to start fighting back.

Graham Norton recently supported Trans people in an interview with the Independent in which he said “I feel like Trans people are a very vulnerable group and a tiny group and it has been conflated into this thing, as if there are trans armies coming over the hills” also saying he believed trans people “need to be protected, rather than feared…….I know there’s some aggression, but any group looking for equality and progress will only get there if there’s an extremist vanguard, and that’s how you shift things to the middle ground.”

I am not sure about being part of an extremist vanguard , right now that feels outside my comfort zone. It is probably the time to take tentative steps towards doing something rather than nothing.

I have been going through some old photographs. Something I have been putting off for a while as there were a couple of large boxes of them that had been in storage. They had gone into storage from my father’s house at the time I cleared it following his death some ten years ago.

Some of the photos were fascinating finding some of my parents when they were first married, before they were married, photos of my mother’s parents both of whom had died before I was born. Then there were the photos of me from birth right through my growing up certainly up until my mid-twenties. I found these strangely disturbing. I could recall the events and occasions at which these were taken. I knew who was in the photographs yet they were not of me.

There was one particular photograph of my best friend Tessa and me when I was aged about four. I had remembered this photograph several times in the last few years but had not actually seen it. Tessa and I were best friends at the Kindergarten school I attended and witnessed my only compete tantrum about my gender first hand. The principal of the school, Miss Bailey, segregated the sexes for some reason, probably for a game or something and I completely lost it telling her I was a girl the same as Tessa. The derision I received both from the teacher and my father was sufficient to ensure I never did that again. Looking back at that picture brought back how clearly I was convinced I was and knew without any doubt about my gender at that age.

Following through the pictures it was interesting to see how that cheerful young person disappeared into what was acceptable. It was palpable to see the changes the cheeky face becoming more expressionless as puberty arrived.

So moving through the years the school prefect, the engagement pictures, the wedding photos. I remember them yet they do not resonate with me. They are not me. I had not expected to feel like this since I do not disown my past. It does resonate with my acceptance that my life had been one great artifice which thankfully I have been able to let go and live in my truth. I suppose saying I let go is perhaps not correct. My being, my core essence was not going to be shut down and hidden away. As I have said before, it pushed its way to the surface like a runaway train there was no stopping it, for which I am so grateful.

So curiously, I feel really disassociated with the photos of my previous existence, a record of where I was and what I was doing at a given time, just not me.

This is the last post for 2020 so some reflection is probably in order. In January, at the beginning of the year, I was living in Essex with my great friends who have supported me through my transition. All seemed relatively ordered. I was working on my development sites in Devon and travelling every week to Devon to check up on what was happening and move things on.  Although it meant being away for two to three days at a time I was able to stay with my daughter to break the journey.

In February I was introduced to a company in the South West who needed some help restructuring and I started doing some consultancy work with them. I did this while I was in the south west combining it with my normal work.

Then we all know what came next. The dreaded pandemic. Only a few weeks in because of my mature years I was isolated. My friends divided the house we share into two parts and were absolute angels making sure I was protected. This continued for six months, no travelling and I learnt the art of Zoom Meetings. A real bonus was that some of the people I needed to meet also discovered virtually everything could be done remotely too. When the pandemic seemed to be easing it seemed both sensible and necessary to move nearer my work. In August I moved to live on my own within half an hour of Bristol which made travelling much easier when necessary.

The company I was advising had reached a crucial stage as a result of the pandemic and I found I needed to go in virtually every day. This meant I suddenly found myself a business woman rather than a self-employed developer. Until this time I had always worked on the basis that probably nobody else would employ me so I had better become self-employed. Now there was a workforce of some thirty lads I was working with. I was quite anxious as to how I would be accepted; in fact it has worked well and I have had nothing but acceptance. The result of this has been to boost my confidence significantly in relation to living in the community as a transwoman. This acceptance has included the professionals that I have had to deal with in assisting the company.

This year we have had the issue of safe spaces for women and the significant increase in transphobic behaviour resulting from this as fuelled by the stance taken by JK Rowling.

The government looked at the question of self ID and the issues around Gender Recognition finally coming to the view that there was no need to change very much as the Equality Act was already effective in relation to the issue of safe spaces confining themselves to pushing Self-ID off into the long grass, making some gestures about increasing the number of Gender Identity Clinics and reducing fees for a Gender Recognition Certificate. However, all of this prompted me to write to my M.P. for the first time and has made me more political as a member of a minority group. Thinking that was settled for the time being the Equalities Minister is once again looking at the question of safe spaces for women. Something to keep an eye on in the New Year.

I was saddened this year by the death of Jan Morris who had had such an impact on my life and understanding of what it was to be transgender. She was a shining light of just being her and getting on with living life. 

Taken as a whole it has been a positive year despite all of the hardships brought about by the pandemic. I have learnt so much about living as a transwoman on my own in the community and at work. Next year I want to capitalise on that and continue to grow in confidence and just lead my life wherever that takes me.

It seems that the spirit of Christmas is lacking from the Equalities Minister. Liz Truss. In a speech recently linked the protection of single sex safe spaces for women, with the grooming of children by paedophile gangs. It is so depressing that this argument continues to be bandied about. There is no evidence that the use of single sex safe spaces (most commonly used to cover toilets) is under threat. There is already sufficient provision in the Equality Act to provide exemptions where this is a real issue of safety.

I have largely dismissed these thoughts from my daily life, having decided that the best way of dealing with transphobia is to lead as normal a life as I can and show by example that this transwoman is not a threat to anyone. However, when I hear these comments it does make me feel excluded and frankly persecuted. Why on earth can trans people not be allowed to live their lives peacefully.

Paris Lees recently tweeted that she has been silent for a while as she reflects on what it means to be a transwoman in Britain in 2020. She adds that she has a lot to say in 2021. The period of living through this virus and its various lockdowns, tiers has caused me to reflect on how I want to live my life and although I do not want to be strident it does seem to me that simply being quiet is not enough and comments such as that made by Liz Truss need to be challenged.

So in 2021 I feel I may have more to say. In the meantime I wish everyone, everywhere a peaceful Christmas free from persecution.

I heard “I am driving home for Christmas” on the radio on my way home from work today. It set me off thinking. Well of course Christmas is going to be different this year with the virus still rampant. I am invited to my daughter’s home for Christmas lunch. Apart from the virus, I would be really pleased to go. There will be my daughter, her partner, my granddaughter and grandson with my youngest son who lives with her. My eldest son will be with his wife’s family.

I am really content with my transition and have no clothes from my former identity. I recall last Christmas when I was at my daughters and recall that I made a concession of being pretty androgynous as to how I presented. Jeans and a jumper, no make-up. My children are fully aware that I have transitioned, however I have not really ever pushed it into their faces. My son said that “you need to do what you need to do but remember who you are talking to”. Hey what does that mean? He is ex-military (at the time he was still serving) so I get the macho image, but then many military personnel have transitioned. My eldest daughter said “I would not have chosen it but you have to do what you have to do” and seems supportive.

So what of this Christmas. I would not hold back and would attend as I am at work and indeed am every day 24/7. That doesn’t mean I would push it in their faces by being overly flaunting my femininity, but I do want to be able to be myself. Because of Covid we have not met this year despite talking regularly. Talking is good, yet they do not see the reality of how I am. 

I am mature and I am concerned about keeping safe until the vaccine reaches me. There seems no reason for me to take risks and my present view is I will not go to my daughter’s for Christmas especially as they have now gone into Tier 3.

I can rationalise this as being only because of the virus. In fact it also allows me to avoid facing everyone at one sitting. It would give me another year to pick off members of my family in easier circumstances. I feel I should probably face up to it sooner than later however I am not sure I am ready yet!