Having said I would try and avoid political posts with the events of last week this is not going to be the case. With the Prime Minister resigning from the leadership of the Conservative Party the focus is now on who might replace him.

I would hope that there could be a change of direction and the woke wars, which I feel are used as a distraction from other issues, might be put on the back burner. For this reason, though there is no chance I will be voting for their party, I am looking with interest at the candidates and their take on LGBT+ rights. What I find is not encouraging. While writing this there are currently eleven candidates, though it is thought that Priti Patel will declare her candidacy today making it twelve. Without going into individual candidates at this stage the majority appear to be different flavours of the right wing of the Party from extreme to slightly less so! Out of twelve potential candidates it would be fair to say two are on the left of the party. One is unknown and I have no idea what his position is apart from he wants fresh ideas. 

The “trans issue keeps being brought up by interviewers. The candidates on the right of the party are all anti trans, taking the we must listen to the basic biology stance, protect women’s rights and are anti woke. 

Two have expressed support for Transpeople, one Penny Mourdant, by stating quite unequivocally that trans woman are woman, though avoiding the thorny issue of self ID which is at the nub of the Gender Critical movement and is now being criticised for trying to fudge it by trying to please everybody. She is also criticised for putting that out in the open as she launched her campaign, her critics saying there are more important issues. I think it was just a pragmatic approach to try and get it out of the way as she knew she would be challenged on her Trans position.

The other is Grant Schapps who I regarded as being the most unlikely candidate to be standing when he declared his leadership challenge. Asked by Sophy Ridge on Sky News whether trans women were women he said “First of all I should say if there’s a Shapps administration where to be prime minister, I will not be spending most of my time on these kinds of issues. I think we owe everybody love and respect. People should be able to get on and live their lives. There’s clearly a biological basis on your birth but if people want to … transition gender, that is their choice and they will always have my support”. He went on to say “I think the country is far more interested in things like the cost of living, the bread and butter issues, jobs and the rest of it.” 

When Sophie Ridge brought up that Shapps’ rivals have spoken “a lot about the war on woke”. He replied that “if the people want a premier that talks about “woke issues”, then I am not the leader for them. Don’t vote for me, I am interested in the bread and butter issues that your viewers are thinking about every single day of the week. I am a libertarian, I’m a liberal both economically and socially – live and let live.”

I am not suggesting Grant Schapps has any chance of being successful or indeed that I would like him to be. He is someone who has annoyed me by his rubbish defence of the present Prime Minister defending the indefensible, quite apart apparently that he has some “interesting” business dealings previously which might go to his integrity. I was simply surprised at his response which seems proportionate as I consider the woke culture wars are driven by an ideology designed to drive a wedge between sections of the population. It really is not the major issue confronting the country where we have cost of living, inflation, pay and sundry other critical issues even though it does feel important to a trans woman.

It is far too soon to look at the candidates in any further detail as the twelve will be reduced to single figures during the week.

Where to start, there are several topics going round in my head. Normally I try to stay away from politics This week there are trans related political topics going round as we have had one or two more pronouncements have been made by Government Ministers.

The Attorney General, Sue Braverman, who you would have thought might know the law, or perhaps to put it better I think it is not unreasonable to expect her to know the law, has come out with a suggestion that she may override the Scottish Parliament’s decision to allow self ID to obtain a Gender Recognition Certificate as this would mean there were different rules applicable in different parts of the United Kingdom. This is a devolved matter and Westminster cannot override the Scottish Parliament. However, the Attorney General claims it will cause confusion and difficulty allowing trans people who have acquired their GRC under the Scottish scheme to access same sex spaces in England, which is unacceptable and that there must be a unified approach.

It has been pointed out that there are several different systems that operate in the two countries which do not cause any difficulty. There is a different legal system, education system health system. What would the Attorney General’s position be in relation to Trans people coming to England from Ireland where they have had self ID for several years without any of the problems that are touted around by the fear mongers. I suspect it will come to nothing but two years ago Adam Wagner Q.C, a prominent Human Rights lawyer, expressed concern about her appointment warning that she was a former chair of the right wing ERG and that her appointment would oversee a reduction in Human Rights, withdrawal from the ECHR and attempts to limit the independence and influence of the judiciary. This would seem to be the path that she is following. It is clear that she wishes to reduce the existing rights of trans people and is considering amendments to the Equality Act to enable such changes.

It feels as if her appointment is not unlike that of Judge Thomas to the Supreme Court by President Trump. Very much a political appointment. This can be seen in her support of the legislation to override an international agreement on the Northern Ireland Protocol. A breach of International Law. The Attorney General is arguing the case of “necessity”. Repeatedly it is stated by eminent lawyers that this is not a proper use of the doctrine of necessity and in any event you cannot plead necessity if it is something you have instigated yourself, such as signing the original Treaty.

Then dear Nadine Dorris, has written in the Mail on Sunday that she will make it “crystal clear” to British sporting bodies that competitive women’s sport must be reserved for people born of the female sex when she meets them today to discuss their transgender policies. She says she “will urge organisations representing football, cricket, rugby, tennis, athletics and other sports to follow the lead of FINA the governing body of swimming, by barring from female events trans women who have “gone through male puberty”. She goes on to say “I have the greatest compassion for anyone who finds themselves living in a body they don’t recognise. But we can’t pretend that sex doesn’t matter. Sex has biological consequences. If you’re born a male, and you go through puberty as a male, your body develops natural physical advantages over a woman’s. That makes you stronger and faster”.

Since I wrote about this issue before, I have been doing some research and I find that most sporting bodies already have guidelines in place which allow Trans people to participate in sporting events provided they meet their guidelines. The most common of which include a hormone test to establish and monitor their testosterone levels, together with a time lapse so that there is not an immediate switch. This seems reasonable to me and is already working satisfactorily and has been for years until the anti trans warriors decided to make it an issue. It also reflects the huge changes that trans people experience on HRT which, although I am no athlete, I can attest to a spectacular reduction in my own physical strength. Several prominent athletes have come out against the Attorney General’s proposal saying the current system is working and her proposal does not reflect what actually happens and that she is playing to an audience following the dogwhistle of “science is science”.

Sadly, this seems to be par for the course for the present government more interested in prompting woke wars and causing division.

I have spent much of the last two days sorting out my laptop which had become barely fit for purpose. One of the tasks which was sorted at the same time was managing to remove any trace of my deadname from it. It had been purchased before my transition and everything to do with the set up and operating systems was in my deadname. This meant that every time I turned it on I was faced with my deadname, something which I thought I had blanked, that it did not affect me.

I realise that was not so, just turning it on this morning for work there was a real sense of relief not to be faced with it. A constant reminder of my transition. I do not think there is anything else relevant to my daily life that is not now in my name. So in terms of documentation, my passport, driving licence have been changed for some time, I have a Gender Recognition Certificate, my birth certificate is on its way. The only documents from my previous existence still in my deadname are my degree and education certificates which frankly have no relevance at my age. 

The lady who was helping me with sorting the issues with the laptop asked me if I had had any trouble by transitioning. My immediate response, in my head, was yes. After a moments reflection I gave a more accurate answer. Not really, if you keep yourself in a bubble for one’s daily life no I haven’t. Going about on a daily basis I have not had any real difficulties or aggression, certainly I suspect no more than women in general do. Yes I am much more careful than I would have been pre transition in where I walk, avoiding being too close to a group of likely lads or for that matter in a world of equality likely lasses which in a strange way cause me more anxiety. I have found I am accepted most of the time. I was relieved my response was positive as she told me her goddaughter had recently come out as trans and her parents were totally opposed to it. Her goddaughter is lucky to have her.

I explained that the area which had actually caused me the most difficulty was getting supportive healthcare. As I had moved area several times in the last few years I had received a varied experience with GP practices. So far I have experienced outright hostility, followed by one who was very supportive and prescribed the medication from my private prescription on the NHS, the next was not hostile but was at best disinterested and would not do any blood tests on the NHS to monitor my hormone levels followed by my present practice which is again very supportive and is prepared to enter into a shared care agreement with my private consultant endocrinologist, something none of my previous practices were willing to do. What was the worst part of trans healthcare is that it is virtually impossible to get any support in a timely fashion. I persuaded one of my GP practices, the disinterested one, to refer me to the GIC clinic as it meant she would not have to deal with the “problem”. Four years later I am still waiting for my first appointment letter and after receiving it I can expect to wait a further two years to be seen.

Where my trouble, or perhaps better put, my main anxiety comes is from those outside my daily life, in the media of all kinds where it is quite evident that trans people are under attack. This effects me by making me have heightened expectations of abuse, which expectations have not been born out in my experience so far, which I hope will continue! 

Strange how on finding assistance through a local Facebook group recommendation for IT support led to a discussion of trans matters, the discussion coming about simply because she helped me lose any trace of my deadname from my laptop.

There has been a great deal said about trans inclusion or not in sport in recent months. In the last few days the governing body for swimming, FINA, has excluded trans swimmers from elite competition if the trans person has had any puberty in their original biological gender. I understand the requirement is that a trans swimmer will have needed to complete their transition by 12 years of age. It has also been proposed that there will be  a category created for trans swimmers to be able to compete. I assume this is likely to be an open category.  Two prominent swimmers, Caitlin Jenner, the Olympic decathlete, and Sharon Davies also an Olympian have supported the decision, Caitlin Jenner saying “what’s fair is fair! If you go through male puberty you should not be able to take medals away from females. Period”.

Similarly Rugby League has excluded trans people from participating in their sport. This morning I heard Lord Coe saying that athletics need to look very carefully at this and would expect that restrictions would be likely as the over-arching principle was one of fairness.

Recently, Emily Bridges who has been banned by her Governing Body from competing in women elite races was attacked by Gender Critical activists for winning a cycle race in which trans athletes came first and second. The irony of this is that this race was an open non binary race which specifically included trans people. At the time Emily Bridges was banned from competing, her testosterone levels had been tested and were within the limits required for women competitors having been on HRT for some time. You might argue that testing hormone levels could be a way of deciding whether a trans person is eligible to complete or not in a similar way that drug testing is an intrinsic component in sport.

I think it is safe to assume that all governing bodies in sport will follow this line in the coming months.

Following the FINA decision I was interested to read Megan Rapinoe’s take on this debate. As the former captain of the US football team that led their team to the win the World Cup in 2019. She made an impassioned plea for the inclusion of trans people in all sport speaking “about championing gender equality in the game and said sport needs to “start from inclusion, I’m 100 per cent supportive of trans inclusion. People do not know very much about it. Weʼre missing almost everything.”  Megan Rapinoe went on to say “Frankly, I think what a lot of people know is versions of the right’s talking points because they’re very loud. Theyʼre very consistent, and they’re relentless”. 

“At the highest level, there is regulation. In collegiate sports, there is regulation. And at the Olympic and professional level. Itʼs not like it’s a free-for-all where everyone’s just doing whatever.” adding “Show me the evidence that trans women are taking everyoneʼs scholarships, are dominating in every sport, are winning every title. I’m sorry, it’s just not happening. So we need to start from inclusion, period. And as things arise, I have confidence that we can figure it out. But we canʼt start at the opposite. That is cruel. And frankly, itʼs just disgusting.So, we need to really kind of take a step back and get a grip on what weʼre really talking about here because peopleʼs lives are at risk. Kidsʼ lives are at risk with the rates of suicide, the rates of depression and negative mental health and drug abuse. 

“Weʼre putting everything through, God forbid a trans person be successful in sports. Get a grip on reality and take a step back.” 

There was considerable opposition to the trans weight lifter, Laurel Hubbard, who represented New Zealand at the Olympics in 2020. Her participation did not last long and she failed to get past the first round on that occasion. It would seem that being trans did not give her the unfair advantage that was anticipated she would have. On the other hand she has broken women weight lifting records on other occasions.

The fact that Laurel Hubbard was able to compete was because the International Olympic Committee in 2015 had drawn up a set of recommendations for including transgender athletes. The IWF, had implemented similar policies based on those recommendations. At the moment different sports are allowed to set their own specific policies.

Intellectually I agree with Megane Rapone and feel a great deal of sympathy with her view. Trans people should be included, not be rejected from competing in their chosen gender. On the other hand FINA’s approach avoids the problem if you have not undergone puberty in your birth gender then the problem doesn’t arise.

At the moment my view is that for mature trans athletes to compete in their acquired gender they should be able to demonstrate that their hormone levels are within prescribed limits, as Laurel Hubbard did, which have been arrived at “following the science”. I say this because although I am no athlete I am very aware that my strength has been very significantly depleted as a result of HRT ingested through transitioning.  It seems to me reasonable that there should be a period of adjustment when an athlete transitions to meet any prescribed levels. It would be unfair for a male athlete to transition and then immediately be able to compete in women categories.

However, a real problem as I see it is that everyone is mainly talking about elite athletes. The bigger problem is what happens at grass roots levels. A Court in the US has made a finding that inspection of a person’s genitals is lawful when considering whether a teenage trans girl is allowed to take part in her college sport. I find that degrading and abusive, frankly appalling. What impact do they think that might have on their mental health?

I hope that Megan Rapone is right when she says “I have confidence that we can figure it out”. More cynically I am aware life is unfair and trans athletes may be limited to competing in events open to any gender. I hope not and that a way will be found for appropriate inclusion of trans athletes in whatever sports they wish to participate in.

I have been reading a book called Emotional Inheritance by Galit Atlas. I was attracted to it by a review I had read, when it arrived I was at first reluctant to actually pick it up and start reading. I suppose I thought it might be difficult, trigger stuff which it did. The premise is basically that we all inherit emotional situations sub-consciously that impinge on our own behaviour. I have no problem with that in principle, it seems straightforward. 

In the book there are very case histories, though written in an open non-academic style from the author’s clients from her practice as a psychotherapist. Quite often it seems that the emotional inheritance comes from the things unsaid, the family secrets that one knows but doesn’t know. 

Perhaps the more obvious ones are where you accept patterns of behaviour because they are the patterns that you know, are familiar with. I am of an age where my grandparents were literally Victorians, and my parents born in the Edwardian period. My grandparents from what I remember of them were totally undemonstrative and seemingly lacking in affection, my grandmother in particular was a remote, rather detached person. I suspect again she had an inherited emotional pattern, her father was in the Royal Marines as were her three brothers, all of whom were lost in action, and her modus operandi was simply straightforwardly that of a disciplinarian.

My father was brought up in that ambience and from my experience was emotionally quite detached, children should be seen not heard and frankly not seen would have been a bonus. He adopted his mother’s approach to parenting and I now realise in his marriage as well, though married for over sixty years it was very much on his terms.

I have an older brother and I was talking to him about our family life a few days ago. In particular I mentioned that I had almost no recollection of a shared family life in which he figured. I was surprised that he too had little recollection of family life in which I figured. I asked, “where were you?”. He didn’t know really, “out doing my thing I guess”. 

What is clear that neither of us appear to have bonded or had the attachment to our parents that is now seen to be a basic building block to a child’s development. That feeling of security created in the initial bonding, there is someone safe, has got your back regardless. My brother and I reacted in opposite ways, he became outward going detaching himself from the family and as he said being entirely selfish (at that time), whereas I went inward and became a people pleaser, exacerbated by my confusion over my gender identity.

To put it in context today we have both made huge progress. One of his relationships involved a large extended family which enabled him to grow and develop away from his previous patterns. We have a good relationship which came as a complete surprise to me having not spoken to each other at all for some 14 years and barely once a year for the previous 20 years.

As for me, I having sorted out my gender identity and have found people I am able to be open and grow emotionally with them. Looking back over my childhood it does maybe give an understanding why I have a deep seated need to “belong” and with that sense of belonging for it to be the basis to get on with living now, to stop searching however subconsciously for that safe haven.

Our Prime Minister is facing a vote of no confidence as I write this. Confidence in his abilities is something that our Prime Minister appears never to have lacked. 

It occurred to me how confidence has been so important in my transition making it easier and less painful when ones confidence grows. When I first transitioned I knew I was a long way from passing, I was really self-conscious and found terrifying to venture out anywhere unless it was a safe space and preferably with people around me. I always remember the first time I went to meet someone solo for an evening meal. By the time I had psyched myself up I was probably over confident just to get me through the door. In fact it turned out to be safe space and a pleasant evening. At that time, I always wore a wig which caused anxiety at the horrifying prospect of accidently losing it.

By the time I had transitioned full time, my hair had grown enough that I felt able to go out without the wig. I now realise looking back at pics that truthfully it did not look very feminine. I had persuaded myself it did and was therefore no longer anxious on that point. It did its job and gave me confidence at the time To start with venturing out was scary, always looking for situations where one might be in trouble. 

One of the first things I needed to do was change my bank details and had gone into my local branch where everything was done without any problem whatsoever, as if it was the most natural thing in the world. I had thought that the procedure would be really rare. Well that went out of the window soon enough as I was collecting the paperwork together which I had produced another lady came up to the desk and started to do the exact same process. Changing all of my paperwork has been as straightforward.

These incidents really helped. Slowly my anxiety about being “clocked” diminished as my confidence grew, I became less anxious. There was also a degree of being impervious to being clocked my head would say “yes so what? I am a trans woman”. I did not need to pass 100% it was an unrealistic goal. All I needed to be was me, to blend in so as not to be an obvious target, that was enough. Of course, I enjoy my femininity and I hope it will continue to develop. However being confident in oneself has made such a difference to how I am able to cope and come to terms with my transition. 

Something I learnt early on in my transition was the loss of male privilege. Sadly, though this does not reflect well on me, I had not realised that I had enjoyed the benefit of male privilege until I no longer had it. Worse than that, although I did not come from a privileged background, in my previous life I had the benefit of a reasonable education, went to university gaining a law degree and entered the legal profession working in the City of London.  After about 14 years I left the law and used what might loosely be called the skills I had acquired in legal practice as a consultant in various situations. 

Mainly I spent my time sorting out other people’s problems for them, more often than not obtaining a positive way forward. Along with my male privilege and moderate success I welcomed the challenges. The life became part of the charade I used to project the image of a moderately successful man. What I did not realise is that in doing this, it also builds an unrealistic sense of self, of ego.

Since transitioning I have been slowly but surely deconstructing the non-authentic self, allowing myself to grow into my authentic being, taking away the props. Male privilege was a prop that went without any assistance on my part, though it took a while to register that I had not had a lobotomy and that I needed to get used to a level of mansplaining in everyday life and that I had simply become an inferior person.

What was much more difficult was recognising the real you, letting go of enhanced ideas of oneself, ego again. I have been very fortunate to have non-judgemental friends who do not hesitate to point out behaviours which has helped me to make some progress. I have reached a stage where I do not have to be anybody, somebody. This trans woman is me and all I can do is try and be the best I can be. I do not have to be “something” to feel legitimate. At first that seemed quite scary. Over time I have embraced letting go and hope it is something that will continue, I have no doubt there is still a way to go.

Why is this in my mind again? One of my projects appears to be in real difficulty and the consequences could be fairly dire. When discussing it with a few people I have been met with “You will sort it, you always do”. The reality is that actually I may not sort it this time,  it is more likely that I will not! For the first time in a psychologically it doesn’t matter. My non-authentic self would have been shattered, it would have seriously damaged my identity. If it can be sorted all well and good. I am trying to find a resolution which is not dire. Yet whatever happens I realise I will still be me, there will be a freedom in not having to continue with this pre transition project which has become a millstone. Life could become difficult in relation to work yet for better or worse I have learnt something else. I am no more than a pebble on a beach and that is okay, the days of trying to be the beach are long gone. In the last two years, going through periods of lockdown, isolation I have taken growing pleasure in the natural world around me trees, flowers, scenery. Something I was too busy to notice. If I am lucky, as this pebble forms becomes moulded by life, it will be appreciated simply for what it is.

I have two projects which have been ongoing for years, both for over six years. One of which has become a complete millstone, the other has had, indeed still has difficulties, both of which I hope will conclude one way or another within the next two to three months. 

The millstone has been put out to tender to see if it can be moved on. The tender date was in my diary and etched into my brain as being scheduled for today. Having texted this morning to see at what time the tenders were due to be received I had a reply saying the date was Wednesday at 12.00. An extra two days, that doesn’t seem any big deal. Yet right now it feels like a big deal.

I had been waiting for the day to come all last week. The outcome will have a significant effect on what comes next for me. It might go at a breakeven, a loss or potentially a small profit. The whole project has been fraught, bedevilled by waiting. I have had to cajole various parties to actually do what has been agreed. In one particular instance, an integral part of the project, a part necessary for the project to work at all was agreed in principle over six years ago, shortly before I became involved. Since then the price has doubled before being finally agreed two years ago, subject to contract, and the legal work to put it in place has taken the rest of the time. It is promised it will be finalised this week. 

The other project is underway and will be completed before too long, yet again I am waiting. The site needs to be connected to the grid for electricity. The paper work is done yet the supplier cannot give any date for connection. Again it is waiting, cajoling, progress is being made but no resolution reached.

During these six years I have transitioned, “gone full time”. I realise that for the whole of my life I had been waiting for the right time, for everything to be in the right place. Waiting was the story of my life. My friends labelled it procrastination, which was accurate particularly when it came to my transition. I have changed as I grew into myself. I feel these projects hold me back with the inertia that has surrounded them in the past. I have been doing all I can to push them along particularly in the last two years. It hasn’t been easy with everyone and their dog being able to blame the pandemic as a good reason why decisions cannot be made.

I have become impatient, I want to be able to get on, to take back control and live my life. I am about to embark on a new phase of my life. It is the same with transitioning. I was referred to the GIC by my GP four years ago and yet I have not yet even had an acknowledgment, nothing I don’t think they even know I exist. The waiting lists become ever longer. I am supposed to wait indefinitely for healthcare that impacts significantly on my mental health. I took control starting self-medication to set out on the path to feel I was doing something. I have since moved to private healthcare as I was unable to wait any longer for a first appointment to confirm I am trans, for permission from the gatekeepers. Not surprisingly the gatekeepers I was waiting to see on the NHS are the same consultants I see privately! My consultants confirmed without any doubt I am trans, have prescribed appropriate medication, monitor it and have given the necessary referral for GRS. I had hope that being referred four years ago by the time GRS was a realistic possibility this might have been an option with the NHS.

Both of these projects I have mentioned started sometime pre-transition. It is conceivable, if not likely, my previous pattern of procrastination, waiting had impacted on the timescales. No more, I am done waiting and an extra two days feels a long time. I have too much living to do to be endlessly waiting. 

There have been discussions this week about one of my projects at work. It is nearing completion and with the current uncertainty in the country with both inflation and the rise in prices for materials it was made clear to me that I should be absolutely clear about the financial position of the project. I have for some decades effectively worked on my own. I realise this does, or has in the past, allowed me to adopt a relaxed approach to what I do tending to deal with everything with a broad brush. One way of describing my approach would be as long as there is a margin then it will all work out; some better than others! 

With hindsight it has not worked out well. I have to take responsibility for schemes not coming together or being profitable as a result of that approach. I would say unexpected difficulties or unforeseen circumstances arise which cause them not turn out as they should have done. That doesn’t take into account that the preparation was not thorough enough. If it had been then some of the circumstances would in all probability not have been unforeseen.

This must not happen with the current project which needs to be taken to the finishing line effectively and profitably. As a result of these discussions I have been nailing down the figures to make sure there is sufficient funding available to complete the project and for it not to come to a grinding halt. This is a small building development and I work with a local builder. Prices are rising and costs are being described as “provisional”. For example one material we need was £11 a metre in March and is now £26 a metre. Fortunately, in the short term the sale prices are rising too so my initial approach may turn out in this case not to be a liability. At the same time with inflation rising as it is, the strong sale prices may well suffer so the project would become squeezed from both ends.

What does this have to do with being trans and growing into my authentic self. All of the projects which are current, started before I transitioned, before I started to learn about trying to do things properly. Of course I do not mean I deliberately didn’t try to make things work. What I do realise with hindsight is that what has happened comes from my approach which was always “that will do”, it was to do with how things appeared, doing just enough for something to seem okay was enough. I took on too much to please other people, fingers in too many pies, so the attention given to each project was not sufficient to do anything more than just enough.

I have written about my friends and mentors who have really helped me on my way to finding my authentic self. I am a different person from the one that set out on these projects and I am intent on completing them properly. The result is that I have been putting the effort in as I have grown and on this project I know I must deal in the detail do away with the broad brush approach. I need to do myself justice, good enough is no longer acceptable. There is unravelling to be done as a result of my previous approach, but I have been getting to grips with the detail. I am giving it my best shot. Concluding these may be the last ones I am involved in. If not then I am only interested in trying to do my best, to do justice to my authentic self on anything new I may undertake. Yet again my friends have shone a light on things I needed to see at the right time.

They say the last few steps are the hardest. The last few steps before a new beginning, does that count? I was really quite down for a couple of days at the end of last week. In reality there was no valid reason to be despondent, down, but then emotions have little to do rational matters. 

A long running saga had taken a substantial step forward in being resolved. Something that could be described as a festering sore sitting in the background always there, never dealt with. What I hadn’t realised was that I was still emotionally invested in the outcome. Clearly, I was by my response which took two days to work through before I realised that what had happened would enable me to try and resolve what was left to be done. I would like to say resolve it unemotionally. That was not the case. A phone call was made which was definitely fuelled by emotion yet that was the catharsis that enabled me to put it behind me. I hope that the remaining stages can be resolved now in a straightforward way.

This is one of a few old matters that need tidying up, resolving so that they do not impinge on new beginnings. All of them require effort. All of them are matters that I have tried to take in hand and deal with to enable me to move on free of them. None of them are easy to resolve.

It seems really strange that somewhere on the horizon there could be a way of being, of living in which I am not carrying around these burdens. I am so used to them being there. It is as if I don’t deserve to be without burdens to carry, always carrying that ball and chain. I do not say that in anyway feeling sorry for myself or any similar feeling, more an awareness that actually it doesn’t need to be like that. I have caused that, it is down to me I have given myself these burdens and it is down to me to alter it.

When I was away recently I saw a glimpse of life not controlled by dealing with these burdens, a life were historical old chestnuts did not run your life. I had managed to put the on hold for a week. Well more or less on hold, some minimal work was done to keep up the momentum of sorting them. 

It feels as if I allowed, or even created, these issues to keep me pre-occupied from facing who I am, keeping me busy and that how I did not face up to myself was replicated in not facing up to and dealing with these various matters, allowing them to become the burdens they have become. 

Since I have accepted and stepped into my authentic self, accepted who I am these matters have changed from being “that’s how life is”, “I can cope that is what I do”, to burdens that need sorting to give me the freedom to live the life my authentic self deserves, in the now not held back. 

Of course there will always be challenges, things to deal with, I do not expect everything to be rosy. What I hope for is to be able to deal with challenges as and when they arise by facing them honestly without fudge. There has been too much fudge in my old life that is now being sorted. It all needs to be consigned to history, it is part of my past. That does not mean I cannot use skills learned through that part of my life in the future. I can. It just  means they must be used properly this time. 

Clearing the decks, taking those last steps to make that happen is certainly demanding, needs focus. The other day someone sent me the old chestnut :-

          “Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery today is a present”. 

That particular day I did not know how to unwrap the gift wrap and find the present. Those last steps changing course to be free from those burdens is the hardest part of the journey. I unwrapping the gift wrap.